


Force of arms

by Royal_Ermine



Series: Stark Tower [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Office, Angry Steve Rogers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, British English, British Stucky, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Cows, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-03-12 18:19:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13552938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royal_Ermine/pseuds/Royal_Ermine
Summary: Steve and Bucky’s attempts to resume their happy family life are threatened by a challenging new job for Bucky, and a frightening old memory for Steve. Can Steve support his husband and family now that he believes himself to be their greatest danger?Note: This series is set in London. Steve and Bucky are both British characters.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arxiver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arxiver/gifts).



> Please note, this story will sensitively tackle issues of child abuse. Although such abuse is not explicitly described, if you find such subject-matter distressing, please do not continue reading.

Steve should have noticed something was wrong before, but the cold he’d nearly recovered from hadn’t quite cleared his sinuses. So he realised his mistake only when his eldest daughter Clara flounced into the room, hands on hips in her typical “mock scolding daddy” pose.

“Papa? Can you smell something burning?”

“Oh shit!”

It was much too late of course. The poor neglected sponge cake was hidden from view in an oven filled with smoke. Opening the oven door was yet another big mistake, triggering the high-pitched squeal of the smoke alarm. Steve cursed, trying to open the window as wide as he could with his right hand, whilst burning his left on the metal edge of the cake tin. Instinctively he snatched his hand away, abandoning the doomed sponge to a slo-mo style crash-landing on the floor tiles.

A blur flashed past him as he stared, transfixed at the cake’s descent. He heard the splash of water and felt his arm yanked into the stream of the kitchen tap.

“Bucky…I’m so sorry, Baby”

Bucky responded with a tight-lipped smile, his concentration fixed on Steve’s hand.

“Ow OW, that’s cold”

“It’s meant to be. You’re going to keep it under there for three minutes. I’m timing you”

Steve looked up. Bucky and Clara stood together, regarding him with identically exaggerated “unimpressed” looks on their faces. Steve couldn’t help but crack up laughing, and his laughter always brought out the best in his family. Pretty soon all three of them were giggling like crazy, although Bucky didn’t relent in keeping Steve’s hand in a firm grip under the water stream.

“I ask you to do one simple thing for an hour while I nod off, and you manage to burn the cakes”

“Just like King Alfred” chimed in Clara, for emphasis

Bucky was still undergoing quite extensive physiotherapy with Clint Barton, to increase his upper body strength, compensating for the loss of his left arm and shoulder, in preparation for his return to work. After the physiotherapy, Bucky and Clint would often go to the old rifle range to have a practice. Clint had joked to Steve that Bucky needed to keep on point with his sharp-shooting just in case he needed to judiciously shoot his husband again, as he had done when Steve made the courageous error to drink an untested potion and turn into a power-crazed green creature to save his family from the evil maniac Thor Odinson. 

Steve had the good grace to blush every time that incident was mentioned. He’d been “out of his damn mind”, as he himself admitted, once that chemical soup was inside him, and only Bucky’s quick thinking with an antidote-laden tranquiliser dart had saved him from inflicting goodness knows what damage on his nearest and dearest. The problem was, after three hours of physiotherapy and two hours of target shooting practice three mornings a week, Bucky was bushed and often needed a few hours shut-eye to recuperate. With their son Leo’s birthday coming up the day after tomorrow, Bucky needed to bake a birthday cake and he'd left Steve to mind it once it was in the oven.

So much for that plan.

“Well, I’m assuming you won’t be decorating that tomorrow?” said Steve, pointing to the mess on the floor with his unburnt hand.

Bucky cocked his head “What do you think, Stevie?”

Steve sighed

Bucky turned off the water and examined Steve’s hand. “Hmmm…that’s going to leave a red weal on your palm. Don’t be asking any fortune tellers to predict your future until that’s healed”

“Bucky, I’m an actuary. I use logic, not guesswork, and I certainly don’t rely on crystal balls to predict future events”

“You’ve two perfectly good hands here, and yet you insist on trying to burn one of them off. I wouldn’t exactly call that logical, husband of mine” mocked Bucky

“Boys are so stupid” agreed Clara, getting in on the good-natured argument “Why ever did you marry him, Mama?”

“Because he’s good with numbers, sweetie” Bucky replied, damning his husband with faint praise

“You should have married a calculator then”

“He did” agreed Steve, winking at Bucky

“Ugh! So, so stupid. When I grow up I’m gonna be a lesbian”

Steve and Bucky’s eyes nearly popped out simultaneously

“Sweetie, I know you’re nearly eight but how do you know about…”

“From Auntie Becca and Auntie Nat, of course” said Clara, matter-of-factly

Bucky’s twin sister had proposed to Steve’s best friend at work, Natasha Romanov (now Barnes-Romanov), after the whole Odinson affair. Clara always had a soft spot for Becca who treated her as a very special princess, and – thinking about it – there was nothing strange about Clara wanting to emulate her favourite female role model. It just came as a bit of a surprise when she expressed that admiration in quite such graphic terms.

Before Bucky could say anything further, Suzy – their youngest daughter – appeared in the kitchen, barefooted and still in her nightgown. She’d joined Bucky in bed for his snooze but the commotion had finally brought her downstairs.

“Why does the room smell funny, Mama?”

“Because Papa burnt Leo’s birthday cake” said Clara, before either parent could get a word in edgewise. “We’ll probably be eating that thing on the floor now”

“Ewwwww” exclaimed Suzy

“C’mon let’s have a tea party with proper cake” suggested Clara, leading Suzy towards the doll’s table in the lounge. “It smells less bad in here too”

Steve shook his head “Kids these days” he observed

Bucky turned to his husband and raised an eyebrow

“What?”

“So, are you planning on telling me what was so important that you lost track of time with the cake?”

“Er…I was in the lounge. I guess I must have drifted off too…”

“Steven Grant Rogers, you’re one terrible liar, even the kids know it”

“All right, all right” Steve protested, before adding, sheepishly, “I was listening to “The Archers””

“Not the Archers again?” lamented Bucky “Of all the radio programmes you could be listening to”

“Clearly you’re not a fan” he sniffed

“News flash, Stevie. It’s a soap opera about farmers”

“So?”

“So you’ve never been near a farm in your whole life. We live in suburban London. What possible relevance has it got to us?”

“It’s escapism”

“If you class sticking your arm up a cow’s rear end escapism” huffed Bucky

“It’s been on the air for over sixty years. It’s traditional”

“So is sticking your arm up a cow’s rear end, in certain quarters at least”

“I’m glad I’m not in those quarters then” quipped Steve, coiling his arms around Bucky’s waist and pulling him in close for a long luxuriant kiss “I can think of far more creative uses for my arms”

Bucky melted into the kiss, then broke off to brush his lips against Steve’s cheek and whisper in his ear “Yeah, so can I. And you can start by cleaning that mess up off the floor, lover boy”

Steve groaned “Just when it was getting interesting”

“Just when you need to collect Leo from football practice” corrected Bucky. "You’ve got to be at school to pick him up in less than an hour. There isn’t time enough for anything “interesting” before then”

Steve broke away from the embrace and nodded sadly

“Tell you what?” brightened Bucky, as Steve reached for a sweeping brush “I’ll whip up a new sponge mix now. If you can distract Leo for a bit with a kick-around in the garden, it should be ready before he gets in. If you can do that, then you’ll get…a reward”

Steve smiled at Bucky’s devilish grin “Oh yeah?”

“It should be cool enough to decorate by the time the kids have gone to bed tonight. Maybe I’ll make a little extra frosting and…perhaps you can think of some creative uses for it”

“But I’ll never find a cow at this late hour” whined Steve

“You think you’re so funny, Farmer Rogers” giggled Bucky, lobbing the mop at Steve.

-*-

The last-minute birthday cake went down a storm, resplendent with a carefully crafted mock football pitch and decorated with eleven candles. Bucky had outdone himself, especially with the realistic green frosting for the pitch, which he had unaccountably created rather too much of. He was still finding traces of green goo on parts of his person where it just shouldn’t be.

Steve carried the cake in, despite Bucky’s teasing that he’d probably drop it again, and everyone sang “Happy Birthday”. Nat and Becca were equally tone deaf, which made the experience all the more amusing, except for guest of honour Tony Stark, who turned out to be something of a musical perfectionist, which made sense bearing in mind how much of a perfectionist he was with everything else.

Although there was a separate party planned for his wider group of school friends at a local fast food restaurant, his best friend T’Challa had joined them for this more intimate family gathering, together with T’Chaka, his father. T’Chaka ran a very successful local engineering business, and recently threw an extravagant party for his son’s tenth birthday. Steve was expecting to feel a bit intimidated by the man after attending it, but T’Chaka displayed a very good-natured non-judgemental attitude to the somewhat less well-organised football-themed party Steve and Bucky had “managed” to throw together at the last minute.

Both T’Challa and Leo loved playing football, but both had another even deeper obsession. One which Bucky was happy to indulge, handing Leo his first present

“That’s so cool! A Captain America outfit! I gotta go try it on right now” exclaimed Leo

A few minutes later, T’Challa. Leo and his sisters were bounding around the back garden, ignoring the football-related games Steve had laid on and were off in their own imaginary worlds of super heroes.

Steve sighed “What’s up, Mr Grumpy Calculator” teased Nat

“All this super hero stuff. Where does it all come from?”

“America, I think” suggested T’Chaka in a deadpan voice

“Well, can’t they keep it over there? I’m sick to death of it. Leo keeps changing his mind about who he wants to be all the time. I just can’t keep up. Last month he wanted to be…who? Bucky can you remember?”

“That would be Batman” confirmed Bucky

“That’s it, Batman. A man dressed up as a giant bat. Where do the yanks dream up all this bizarre nonsense?”

“Now, now. A little less blatant American-bashing please gentlemen” chuckled Tony

“Present company excepted of course” grinned Nat “For all I know, you might have shares in these super hero companies, Mr Stark”

“If I did, you’d probably know about it. You know practically everything else about me, Mrs Barnes-Romanov”

“Now that’s not true, sir and you know it. Why, I haven’t even seen your final blueprints for the refurbishment of Stark Tower”

“Only because I haven’t agreed on them yet. I’ll tell you more when we have our meeting next week. Would you also be able to join us, Mr Rogers?”

Steve furrowed his brow “I’m not sure I’m sufficiently senior to be present at an Executive Board meeting, Mr Stark”

“Not that meeting” dismissed Tony with a regal wave of the hand “That’s just the rubber stamp. I mean the private meeting afterwards. Bucky, I know it’s the day you have webinars for your librarianship coursework, but after that’s done could you please come too, if you’re feeling strong enough to attend?”

“Whatever you say, sir”

“Excellent news. And thank you in advance for allowing me to use your nickname as a term of address. As you adopted Mr Roger’s surname upon marriage, it avoids a great deal of confusion. Now enough shop-talk. I think it’s high time we sampled some of your delicious looking cake, don’t you think?”

As Bucky’s sister helped him to cut the cake into child and adult-sized portions, Nat shook her head at Steve in mock condemnation

“Way to go shooting yourself in the foot with your American boss, Rogers”

“He doesn’t strike me as the type who holds grudges, Babushka” Steve giggled “Besides, you should be more concerned that I’m not holding them, after my own daughter announces she wants to be a lesbian thanks to you and your darling wife”

“She wants to dress badly and repair cars?”

“That’s a terrible stereotype Nat,” huffed Bucky, joining in on the conversation “But if there’s any truth to it at all, then she’s already halfway there. She won’t wear any of her dresses anymore”

“And unfortunately they’re too small to fit Bucky” teased Steve

“Go stick your hand up a cow, Farmer Steve” quipped Bucky, giving just as good as he got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The Archers" is a long-running British radio soap based in a fictional farming community


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For arxiver

Nat, Steve and Bucky sat nervously at the boardroom table in one of the smaller meeting rooms of the impressive convention centre within the Dorchester Hotel. The second hand of the wall clock resounded like it was made of lead, given the volume of each relentless stroke.

Nat sniggered.

“What’s so funny, Babushka?”

“It just feels like we’re naughty schoolkids waiting outside the headmaster’s office”

“Except this headmaster can fire us”

“Or hire us” added Bucky

“We’re already hired, Baby”

“Okay, move us around then, like pawns on a chessboard”

“Too many mixed metaphors” Nat cut in “Though, as a Russian, I naturally approve of anything chess related”

“Bucky’s right though. Tony’s got the final say in everything. He can deploy us as he sees fit”

“And if he deploys you where you don’t want to go?” asked Nat

Steve didn’t have time to think of a reply.

Tony Stark breezed into the room, a thick file of papers under his arm. Steve, Nat and Bucky all fumbled at an attempt to rise deferentially but Tony signalled them to stay in their seats.

“Oh boy, those suits get more miserable every day. Remind me why I hired them, Mrs Barnes-Romanov?”

“To rubber stamp things sir?”

“Yeah. But if that’s the case, they’re not fit for purpose, that’s for damn sure”

Tony sat down wearily and thumped his papers onto the desk “Okay, so…I’ve just been outlining to those defective rubber stampers how we’re going to have to stay in alternative accommodation for another seven months until the building works are complete. They weren’t too happy about that”

“It’s disruptive to us all, sir”

“I appreciate that Mrs Barnes-Romanov. It’s also very expensive”

“But we’re completely insured for the damage that Odinson’s explosive device caused to Stark Tower, sir. I double-checked the paperwork”

“That’s true. Unfortunately, the insurance doesn’t pay for personnel costs, and they’ve gone up exponentially. To stop us haemorrhaging our best staff, we’re having to accommodate a sizable proportion of them nearer to the alternative accommodation sites” Tony scratched the back of his neck distractedly “To say nothing of the communication breakdowns when different departments are working miles apart from each other, instead of a few floors up or down. Technology’s great and all, but there’s no substitute for the human factor”

“Have any larger offices become available for us to consider, Mr Stark?”

“A perfectly valid question, Mr Rogers. Several potential buildings have been brought to my attention recently, but sadly the shortest lease that any of them will consider is for three years”

Bucky bit his lip “Okay, I’ll ask the question, if no-one else will. What does that do for your cash flow, sir?”

Tony sighed. “Now you’re talking. We’ve got a problem, guys. We can’t budget properly because we don’t know how high the insurance premiums will rise to once we’re back in Stark Tower. That makes the money-men nervous, and when the money-men get nervous, our stock price drops, and when our stock price drops…well you get the picture. The answer to your question, Bucky, is that we need to bolster the share price, and the only way to do that is to locate, or at least actively be seen to be locating, a new revenue stream.

And that’s why I’ve called this meeting. The three of you are now my closest lieutenants in London, and you are all equally crucial to my plans”

Tony handed a different set of papers to each of them.

We’ll start with you first, Mrs Barnes-Romanov. I’ve hired a small suite of rooms near the pathology laboratory in the hospital Bucky was – indeed still is – being treated in. I’d like you to work with Deputy-Head of Surveillance Logan on beefing up the security around that area to the highest level possible. Given the semi-public nature of the facility, I’m sure it won’t be an easy task.”

“I’ll do my very best sir”

“Now Mr Rogers. To date you’ve managed to achieve something I’d always considered impossible; that is, to work from home, look after your children and maintain your productivity. It speaks volumes for your professionalism and dedication to the firm”

“Thank you sir”

“What I’m going to ask you to do, Mr Rogers, may not sound like much to you on the surface, but it’s pivotal to my plans. I want you to continue working from home for the next few months at least. I appreciate this may seem like I’m not favouring you in any way, but believe me, I need your accountancy skills like never before, and you’re going to have to increase your childcare responsibilities, because I need your husband”

Bucky’s eyebrow raised

“Now, Bucky; you’ve got the hardest job. I need you to work directly under me in the new hospital facility and recruit a team of researchers to assist you in a project of the utmost secrecy. I understand that you haven’t had the experience of management in the past, so I will provide additional assistance to you personally. As recognition for the hard work you’ll need to carry out, I hereby promote you to the same staff pay grade as your colleagues here.”

Bucky’s eyes bulged. He looked lost and more than a little scared.

“Good. Mrs Barnes-Romanov and Mr Rogers, you may leave. I need to spend some time discussing the project with Bucky now.”

Nat sprang from her seat immediately. Steve rose more gradually, concern for Bucky etched all over his face.

Bucky swallowed “It’s…it’s okay, Stevie. I’ll…I’ll be okay” he managed with some difficulty

-*-

Steve was fizzling like an unexploded bomb before they’d even reached the end of the corridor

“What the hell does Stark think he’s doing?” he flashed

“His job” Nat answered, carefully “Clearly, he needs something from Bucky that the two of us can’t supply. I’m guessing from past experience that’ll be his research skills”

“He could have just asked for that. Why spread this cloak and dagger nonsense? Why tie Bucky up in trying to manage a “project team”? Bucky’s still recovering from the lost arm, Nat, he cherishes every moment he can spend with his babies, and there’s his library studies as well. Why’s Stark putting him under all this additional pressure?”

“Well, he managed to research that antidote with Mr Banner and hone his target-shooting skills in enough secrecy to stop you in your tracks when you went out of your mind, Rogers. Stark was impressed, and - if you don't mind my saying - highly amused, by that. You may be underestimating your husband just a little.”

Steve flopped down heavily on a sofa in the lobby. “I don’t know what to think, Nat. I’m just worried for Bucky, that’s all”

Nat joined him, pressing a reassuring hand to his arm “Bucky was right, Steve. He said Tony could move us around like pawns on a chessboard, and he was right. There’s nothing any of us can do if the pieces get moved in directions we’d rather they hadn’t.”

“I haven’t moved at all” mumbled Steve “I’m still a pawn. Bucky’s jumped over the pair of us”

Nat arched her brow “Is that what this is all about? Don’t tell me you’re actually jealous of your husband?”

Steve sighed. He knew better than to lie to Nat “That’s not all of it, but I won’t pretend it hadn’t crossed my mind.”

Nat smiled benignly “Why, Mr Grumpy Calculator, who’d a thought it? You got a heart!”

“Bite me, Barnes-Romanov”

“In your dreams, Rogers” she sniggered “Seriously though, I do understand. I make way more money than Becca, and she resents the hell out of it. She does everything in her power not to show it of course, but I know it hurts her.”

“So, what do you do?”

“We work through the problems as they happen. There’s times when I can’t be places she’d like me to be because of work and there’s times I’m under a lot of pressure from yet another of Tony’s new schemes. There are two ways of handling that kind of stress. You can just feel tossed about like flotsam and jetsam on the ocean, or you can do something positive to support each other.”

“And how do I help Bucky?”

“You already said, Steve. Bucky’s suddenly got all this new pressure. He’s still having hospital physiotherapy and he had no management experience. Tony’s addressed the first problem, in a roundabout way, by basing his new workplace in the hospital itself. As for the second, well, he’ll no doubt give Bucky good advice, but a lot of that’s down to you”

“It’s not in Bucky’s nature to tell folks what to do. That’s not…” Steve blushed lividly “That’s not Bucky’s natural inclination”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that” smiled Nat “All the more reason why he needs your strength and reassurance right now. If you so much as hint that you’re not comfortable with him trying to be a manager, he’ll just give up without a fight. And I know you don’t want to see Bucky fail”

“Not after everything my Baby’s been through” Steve agreed “But if he fails anyway…”

“Then at least you’ll have both given it your best shot. You’ve got the hardest job of all Steve. You’ve got to swallow hard and get on with all that accountancy work, which isn’t easy. You’ll have extra household duties now Bucky’s going to be working out of the hospital, and you’ve got to be his cheerleader and support at a very difficult time for him. The question is, can my brother in law’s husband handle that kind of pressure?”

“Oh, I see you’re bringing out the big guns now, invoking family” grinned Steve

“Water’s all well and good, but blood’s better” shrugged Nat

Steve bit his bottom lip “Honestly, I don’t know, Nat. I never expected this to happen. What if I can’t help him?”

“Steve, you’ve helped Bucky recover emotionally, and you’ve helped him recover physically. Now you need to build him up professionally. You’ve fought his corner in the workplace and the home for years now and you’ve read more management textbooks than a professor: you’re a natural mentor. It won’t be easy of course, but I know you, Steven Grant Rogers. You don’t back away from a challenge.”

-*-

Of course this made a lot of sense. Steve always was a great one for invoking logic; it made a better accountant of him. True enough, his love for Bucky tapped into a more primal emotional instinct, and – when laying the first bricks to build their relationship - there were times when the logical and emotional sides of his personality flew into conflict. The best times were when those twin aspects of himself were in agreement and smoothly clicked into place. He just hadn’t realised quite how satisfying it would feel to combine those aspects of his personality for Bucky’s benefit until he found himself merrily helping the children create a special surprise.

A few hours later, when a tired and emotional Bucky finally arrived back home, he stumbled into the kitchen to find a messy paint-splattered banner hanging from the wall, bearing the greeting “Well done Mama!”

Bucky’s bittersweet smile was a joy to behold. Steve could read his husband’s thoughts better than even his own. Clearly Bucky was scared and apprehensive about this new role, just as Nat had predicted, but to see the thrill on their kid’s faces and the sheer pride on Steve’s melted all of those fears away.

“Guys, this is the best” he gushed, as all three kids launched themselves at him like he was the world’s biggest gingerbread man. They pulled him towards the kitchen table and practically forced him into a chair, which was Steve’s cue to slide a substantial and very sticky cake in front of him.

“I was going to reuse the candles from Leo’s birthday” admitted Steve, "But then I thought that might be a tad too surreal"

“Hold on” levelled Bucky, suspiciously “This isn’t store-bought”

“No, and you know I can only burn cakes” laughed Steve “Becca baked you your favourite plum-cake”

Bucky gasped his approval. “You’ve been strong-arming my sister?”

“Didn’t have to” shrugged Steve good-naturedly “Besides, Nat’s got far stronger arms than me”

After the family had eaten their fill, and their excitable sugar-charged children were burning off calories playing at superheroes in the lounge, Bucky asked

“Steve, are you sure you’re okay about this?”

Steve had a lovely little speech all prepared that he’d been rehearsing in his head since before the first letter was daubed on the banner. In a split second, he jettisoned it. His Bucky deserved the truth.

“No. I’m worried about you, Baby, because this is so new for you. But I can’t help thinking back to the scared little mouse that crept into my office a few short years ago, and how much you’ve grown since then. You’re the best husband and most caring parent that any family could wish for, and you’ve overcome your fears and the loss of your arm as if they were nothing. Bucky, you’re the love of my life, and I’m so proud of you I can’t find the words to express it”

“Well you did a pretty good job just then, Stevie”

Steve shook his head “My heart doesn’t have lips, Baby. If it could speak, it would be more eloquent than the mind of a mere accountant. But that’s an asset I’m happy to put at your disposal”

Bucky cocked his head questioningly

“Before I met you, I was a petty-minded, emotionally barren, workplace drone. No, don’t deny it” he added blocking Bucky’s attempts to raise an objection “I’m not that guy any more, thanks to you, but in my previous life, I had plenty of time on my hands to learn the techniques of staff management from countless conferences, books and training seminars. You’re probably really nervous about how to lead a team, but I swear to you, Baby, I’m going to be with you every step of the way, giving you sound advice. Together we’ll make a success of this for you”

Bucky lay his head on Steve’s chest and snaked his arm around him

“What’re you doin’ love?”

“Just listening to the heartbeat of the man that I married” mumbled Bucky into Steve’s skin “Being close to you and knowing how much you love and trust me…I’m making the right decision”

“To take up the project management role”

“That” said Bucky, pulling back to see Steve’s face “And, to tell you about it”

Now Steve had the chance to cock his head questioningly

“Tony doesn’t want me to tell anyone. I promised him. I now break that promise”

“You don’t have to”

“Stevie, you’ve been completely open and honest about your feelings. How can you help me if I can’t trust you completely with the details of the project I’m working on? I know you won’t tell Tony what I’ve said.”

“You might still get into trouble” warned Steve

“No more than you vouching for me to get counselling when I was that scared little mouse all those years ago” countered Bucky “And look where that got you?”

Steve grinned. “I can’t argue with that kind of logic, Buck. So, what’s the deal? I know Tony is inherently secretive, but Nat said she’d never seen him quite this obsessed with security before. He’s got her locking down that hired hospital suite like he’d got gold bullion stashed there”

“So I’ve seen. He showed me round the place an hour ago on the final stage of my briefing, in addition to introducing me to the only member of the team I can’t choose, because Tony’s already hired him.”

Bucky paused to see if Steve’s puzzlement would resolve itself. Sure enough, it did.

“He’s hired that pompous oaf Banner, hasn’t he?”

Bucky nodded “And before you ask, that’s not the reason why he’s keeping it secret; well not the main reason anyway”

Mr Banner had been the consultant that initially treated Bucky after the attack on Stark Tower that resulted in the loss of his arm and shoulder. Banner was smart as a whip, a tireless clinical researcher and a complete workaholic. Part of the reason why Steve disliked him so much was because, deep down, they were more alike than either of them cared to admit. But mostly it was because Banner and Steve held an irreconcilable difference of opinion on religious grounds. To put it bluntly, Banner thought he was God, and Steve disagreed.

Steve swallowed hard. “Well” he managed after some considerable thought “At least you two work well together. He was relentless in finding that antidote to the formula that turned me into a rampaging swamp beast”

“True, but I sometimes wonder if that’s a testament on his ability to co-operate, or his determination to defeat my husband”

“I guess you’ll find out soon enough” shrugged Steve “At least Tony shredded that formula. It won’t harm anyone again”

Steve glanced at Bucky, who was now staring intently at the remains of the plum cake, and not from a sudden desire for another slice.

“He did… shred that formula didn’t he? He did swear to us that he’d destroyed it?”

“That’s…technically true” agreed Bucky, carefully “He shredded that formula, but it seems he didn’t shred the rest of Dr Erskine’s research papers”

“But the only other proposal in there was the design for that crazy machine to make the chemical changes permanent. Nat said the whole thing was a litany of bad physics. She said it was even more hare-brained than the formula itself”

“Another reason why this project is so confidential, I guess” said Bucky, continuing to avoid eye contact.

“So, Tony actually wants to re-create one of these torture chambers?”

“No” Bucky’s eyes fixed anxiously on Steve’s “But he wants to analyse the metallic alloy proposed for the main body of the machine and potentially recreate that material. Dr Erskine’s paper suggests that this material resists bacterial and viral transmissions from organic matter. There may be potential medical applications to that which Stark Corporation could capitalise on”

Steve sighed. All the pieces clicked into place: the secrecy, the hiring of Bucky as a medical database expert, and Banner as a clinical researcher, both working in the heavily guarded rooms of the local hospital where Bucky could also receive his physiotherapy without even leaving the complex. Nat would be just as unhappy to know that Erskine’s papers hadn’t been shredded, as Steve was to know that Banner had been hired. But looked at from Tony Stark’s lofty position, and his quest for a new revenue stream to boost stock prices, it all made perfect sense.

“So, having heard all of that” Bucky began, brushing aside his floppy hair to reveal a look of trepidation on his face “Are you still willing to help me?”

Steve folded Bucky into a tight embrace “God, Baby. Of course I’ll help you. I’ll make sure you’ve the skills to hire and manage the best team in the business, I guarantee it. All except for that prick Banner of course” he chuckled as an afterthought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For arxiver.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING. This chapter and a number of subsequent chapters will allude indirectly to child abuse. Although these references are not graphically expressed, if you are at all concerned about reading material with such allusions, please do not continue reading further. Thank you.

“Mr Rogers, can I borrow you for a moment?”

“Who?”

“That IS your name, isn’t it?” sneered Banner

“It’s my surname, yes, but you know very well that I don’t use it” said Bucky, in hurt tones

“Okay okay…well can you come and have a look at this sample then, “Bucky”?”

Bucky focused down on the powerful electron-microscope “Sample MG7V?”

“The very same”

“What are these crystals?”

“Those crystals, Mr Rogers…sorry...“Bucky”…are the problem. They don’t feature in the findings of any of the systematic reviews you identified”

“What about the outliers?”

“Nope, not enough desk research available”

“The base metals had more than enough results generated”

“Yes, but not for this particular alloy. Theoretically this can’t be…”

“And yet it is” confirmed Bucky “Have you authorised and completed the tests?”

“Done and done” sniffed Banner, handing Bucky a clipboard of test results “I don’t let the grass grow under my feet Mr Rog…”

Bucky sighed “All right, all right Mr Banner. If you insist on this debate, then let’s have this out one more time. I like to be known by my nickname, okay? What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing” came the blasé reply “If you’re a spaniel”

“There’s nothing canine about it, Mr Banner. It’s a really nice nickname: it’s cuddly, it’s affectionate…”

“It’s not business-like” Banner cut in “And I don’t much care for your husband forbidding you to use his surname”

“Where do you get these delusions from?” gasped Bucky, in thinly-veiled outrage

“From the look on his face when he drops you off at work. He clearly resents your intelligence being recognised by you gaining this promotion. Why, he almost looks scared of you sometimes”

“I don’t have to listen to this nonsense” flashed Bucky “Believe what you want, but my domestic arrangements are none of your damn business. Do I make myself clear?”

“Eminently clear” oozed Banner, as Bucky flicked through the test results

“This doesn’t make any sense at all; it has zero organic elements…”

“And yet it has organic properties” continued Banner “It’s almost as if there’s an energy source linked…”

Bucky held up an index finger “Hold that thought!” he exclaimed, running over to his work-station and speeding his way through a succession of key strokes.

“That Trichloroethylene analgesic research of yours was based on chlorophyll, right?”

“Indeed”

“Essentially, an organic compound designed to neutralise the toxicity of the solvents in your solution”

“An entirely accurate appraisal of the paper, “Bucky” and the reason why your dear husband turned into a bright green maniac. But what’s this got to do with MG7V?”

“Well, don’t you see? This is the same, only with naturally occurring rather than artificially introduced organic compounds”

“But this isn’t chlorophyll”

“No, but look at the shape and concentration of these crystals. Don’t they look like asexual fragmentation and budding behaviour to you?”

“Fungi? One of the most resilient organisms on the planet?”

“Not only resilient. They’ll grow practically anywhere. This alloy could potentially fuse with any organic material exponentially, producing a seal at any point in the body, no matter how badly damaged, though it would probably be too likely to cause uncontrollable sepsis for anything beyond external application”

“We’d have to carry out a shedload more tests to even consider that as a valid hypothesis, but it would explain a great many things. I’d hail you as a genius, but I’m not sure I can attach that epithet to anyone named after a spaniel”

Bucky glowered a final warning at Banner. Sooner or later, he was going to have to speak to Tony about this. 

-*-

Steve stared at the screen. Stark Corporation share prices shot up half an hour ago on his bosses’ “rumours” of a new product at the press interview. Now they’d settled right back down again. It was frustratingly pointless trying to predict any of this, much less influence it. He was busy, perhaps busier than ever, now that he’d taken on this additional duty, but it was a soul-destroying and, quite frankly, mind-numbing task. A guru of the management text-book, Steve knew that doing too much high pressure work was called burn-out, but doing too little of it was called rust-out. Both were equally dangerous, and he could feel the rust eating into his brain. He’d already listened to today's episode of “The Archers” and even Suzy’s invitation to join her in an imaginary tea party at 4pm sounded more appealing than watching this flickering screen.

Thus it was with a sense of almost indecent haste that he dashed to the door when the bell rang early that afternoon.

“T’Chaka?”

“Afternoon Steve”, Leo’s best friend’s dad intoned “Is Bucky in?”

“No, sadly he’s at work. Won’t you come in?”

“Thank you”

T’Chaka accepted the cup of tea Steve offered with good grace, but there was something about his demeanour that put Steve on edge; as if he was incredibly nervous, but trying very hard not to appear that way.

“Bucky’s doing his new job now?”

“Yes, it’s been nearly a month. On my advice, he’s recruited a very competent scientific team, I’m happy to say, and he’s progressing well with his research”

“Indeed. I wanted to thank him for offering me the contract to manufacture prototypes. Of course, it would have been a little easier for us to bid if we knew exactly what it was he wanted us to fabricate” he added, with a deep friendly laugh

“Yeah, I can imagine” Steve sympathised “Bucky’s not even sure what he’s being asked to fabricate himself yet. Not until our boss Mr Stark decides anyway”

T’Chaka nodded “Well, whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll be able to deliver. We’ve had a lot of experience making unusual items…”

He cleared his throat “Speaking of unusual items, I have to be honest here Steve. I didn’t just come here to see Bucky. I came to see you”

Steve’s shoulder blades began to rise. He tried to keep himself calm.

“Is something wrong?”

“With Bucky working full time and you having more responsibility for the kids right now, I thought it best if I spoke to you about this”

Steve nodded “Okay, so erm…what’s on your mind?”

“Well, T’Challa and Leo have been best friends for a few years now, but…they’re not at the moment, and probably won’t be again for some time”

Steve frowned “They got into a fight?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes”

“I don’t quite follow you”

“Steve…there’s no easy way of saying this, so I’m going to come right out and say it” T’Chaka cleared his throat again, and looked directly at his fellow parent “This weekend, T’Challa told me that Leo had “touched” him in various places he really shouldn’t have and that – although he seemed to like it at the time – he didn’t think it was right and he wanted to let me know”

Steve’s expression shifted from concern to undiluted horror

T’Chaka held up his palms “Now, please don’t over-react here, Steve. This happens quite a lot with boys around their age, exploring their bodies and playing “Doctors and nurses”; the old “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game. But T’Challa’s taken it really rather badly, what with them being best friends; there’s been some harsh words between them and they aren’t speaking to each other right now.”

“Oh my God, T’Chaka I am so sorry”

“Don’t be sorry, Steve” he reassured “Like I say, this happens; it’s nothing to be worried about. It’s just a developmental stage. It’s happened a bit earlier than I’d been expecting so that took me by surprise. I hadn’t thought to prepare the old “facts of life speech” in time, y’know, but I’ve not got a problem with it. Chances are, given time, my son won’t have a problem with it either. But, as you’re collecting the kids from school these days, you’ll notice when Leo isn’t with his best friend anymore, and blundering into asking where T’Challa is might not be a very good idea. Your son might also need “the talk” too if you see what I mean? Or at least a simplified version of it, to help him understand what’s okay and normal, and what’s not, because he probably feels really bad about what happened”

Steve didn’t reply. His face was a picture of anguish

“Also, with you and Bucky being a same-sex couple and all, that might confuse matters a little bit more for Leo. Again, I really don’t have a problem with that, I think you’re great guys, and – before you ask – that isn’t just because Bucky’s given me a contract. I’ve got lots of contracts, believe me. I’m saying it because I respect you and your choice to get married, have a family and save those kids from the meagre life they’d have led in that orphanage.”

Steve looked up at T’Chaka, his voice cracking with despair “I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry”

T’Chaka shook his head “Look, Steve, I’m not blaming you or Bucky or anyone, and I’m certainly not blaming Leo. I just wanted you to know because it’s always a pretty delicate situation when these things happen. But it’ll blow over. These things always do. Now, are you okay?”

Tears pricked the backs of Steve’s eyes “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I’m sorry; sometimes I can over-react a bit. I’m not used to being the “mum” in the way that Bucky is, so problems like this take on a greater significance than they probably should. I really appreciate you letting me know the situation, T’Chaka and I promise to have a talk with Leo at the earliest opportunity”

“Okay, well as long as you’re feeling better about this, I should be getting back to work now. You look after yourself Steve and, please, whatever you do, don’t dwell on this. There’s really nothing at all for you to worry about.”

But Steve did dwell on it, and Steve did worry about it. What was he going to say to Bucky? What was he going to say to Leo? And what was he going to say to himself? Worst of all, a foul sludge from the tartarean depths in a part of his mind he’d sealed off for years began to seep out into his consciousness. And he didn’t have a damn clue what to do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pseudo-science alert. Note none of this psuedo-science should be taken in the least bit seriously, so please don't get your test-tubes out quite yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For arxiver.

Bucky’s little research team worked diligently long into the night, night after night. With Steve’s help, he’d chosen a dedicated band of nerds with a level of social ineptitude that disregarded the conventions of polite conversation, regular mealtimes or even the niceties of personal hygiene. Logan was only half joking when he observed that Nat’s guards were beginning to demand danger money to patrol labs reeking of stale pizza, spilled cola and body odour.

Bucky at least had an outing on a regular basis, to attend his physiotherapy and target shooting practice with Clint Barton, but the rest didn’t seem to know, or even care, what time of the day it was. Even Banner became completely obsessed with the work, fretting over the slow growth of MG7V’s crystals to the point where he even forgot to make snide remarks about Bucky’s name.

“That’s a dangerous sign” said Bucky to Clint, as he curled his weight on the bench-press “If Banner’s no longer wise-cracking at me, or spitting feathers at Steve, then he’s blundering into insane genius territory”

“What’s wrong with the material you’ve got at the moment anyhow?” asked Clint “You told me a couple of days back that everything was going well”

“It is” Bucky confirmed “I can’t give you the particulars of course, but the science is perfectly sound at the moment. The problem is that Banner’s pressing for faster results, even though he knows better than anyone that you simply can’t rush testing”

“Is your boss putting pressure on him?”

“I don’t think so, but in all honesty I can’t be sure” Bucky laid down the weight and took a swig from his water bottle “Tony said he was only working through me, Steve and Nat. He certainly hasn’t said anything to me, and Nat would have let me know if she’d had any indication that Tony was getting anxious over timescales. She knows him better than anyone. But really, if Tony has anything to be concerned about, it would be the financial liabilities to his business; the bottom line as it were, and only Steve truly knows the extent of that”

“And what does he say?”

Bucky looked down at the bench-press, his eyes glistening with unshed tears “I wouldn’t know anymore”

“What? You haven’t asked him, or he wouldn’t tell you?”

“Both” frowned Bucky “This past week he’s barely strung a dozen words together. I’m often home late, it’s true, but he never waits up. He’s in bed, pretending to be asleep. He won’t even cuddle with me”

“Man, that’s…that’s so unlike the awesome guy I’ve heard so much about”

Bucky looked up at Clint

“I don’t know where that man is, Clint. It’s even affecting the kids. Yesterday morning Leo got up early to talk to me. He said he’d done a very bad thing but that when he told his Papa, Steve wasn’t exactly angry with him, he was just plain weird”

“What did Leo do?”

“He wouldn’t open up to me, and I really didn’t want to force him. He seemed upset enough without me prying. Whatever it is can’t be all that bad. Leo’s a good kid. I’m more concerned about Steve’s reaction, because that’s exactly how he’s treating me too, “weird” – it’s a shockingly accurate word to describe it”

Clint furrowed his brow “Bucky, I’m sorry. This must feel really horrible for you”

“It would help if I knew what I’d done wrong” said Bucky, his voice strained with anguish “But I can’t think of anything…unless…”

“Unless?”

“Unless he was lying all along; that he really does resent me becoming a manager. Last night he got up to go to the bathroom, and I crept up to the door. I swear, Clint…I swear he was crying in there”

“Bucky. I’m going to give you a piece of advice here, and I feel a hypocrite for doing it, because I’m not sure I’d have the guts to do this, but I can’t think of anything else to say”

“What is it?” asked Bucky, warily

“You need to lance this boil. Talk to him about what and how he’s feeling directly. Otherwise it’s just going to fester and drag the kids down as well as you”

-*-

He got home early that evening. Banner was raving about some kind of chemical breakthrough and how Bucky couldn’t possibly leave at this vital point in proceedings, but he’d ignored the stubborn stinky scientist in favour of his hopefully less stubborn, less stinky husband.

“Hi, honey I’m home” called Bucky, trying to sound as light and cheerful as possible

“Oh” was the best observation Steve could manage, followed by “You’re back sooner than usual. Kids ate early. They’re over at your sister’s”

“That’s nice” said Bucky “Do I get a kiss?”

Steve practically dragged himself over to Bucky and pressed a dry peck on his cheek, going through the motions of normalcy.

“You eaten” said Steve with such neutrality to his voice, Bucky wasn’t entirely sure if it was meant to be a question or a statement.

“I’m not hungry. Steve we need to talk”

“I got a lot of work to do tonight, Baby”

“No, you don’t” Bucky shook his head “And “The Archers” finished an hour ago. C’mon Stevie, let’s sit down”

Steve let himself be led to the lounge sofa. Bucky snuggled close, putting his arm around Steve’s shoulder.

“Now, are you going to tell me what all this is about?”

Steve shook his head sadly

“Okay, well…are you going to tell me how you’re feeling?”

Steve shook his head again, this time more vehemently

“Oh, Stevie” sighed Bucky, lacing his fingers through Steve’s unruly blond hair “I miss my husband. Please, honey, please tell me…have I done something wrong?”

“No” mumbled Steve, his eyes fixed away from Bucky’s gaze “I’m the one who’s wrong”

“Stevie sweetheart, that can’t be true. You’re the bravest sweetest man in all the world”

Steve’s poisoned mind began to throw up images. Distorted images of rictus grins and fumbling fingers and baby-smooth skin and…”

“I’m not” he shouted “I’m disgusting, and if you think there’s anything good about me, then you’re disgusting too”

Bucky gasped

“Stevie, dearest, I’ve never heard you talk like this before, my strong love, my shield, my protector. You know I rely on you for everything”

“Yeah? Well you’d better start relying on yourself from now on, because you’re on your own, pal!” spat Steve

Bucky shuddered and scrunched up his eyes “Stevie, you’re upset, I can see that. You’re not yourself, honey. You just need a little rest, that’s all. Would you like a cuddle on the sofa?”

“Is that all I am to you, Buck? A warm prick?”

“Who said anything about sex? gasped Bucky “You know that we…” he blushed “We don’t discuss that kind of thing. It’s too painful”

“Maybe for you, but I’ve had to talk about it. And it disgusts me, I’m an evil disgusting blob of gristle, and you…you’re an evil disgusting blob of gristle too. We should both have stayed where we belonged, in our father’s beds!”

“Steven Grant Rogers. I…I….don’t…I don’t believe you just actually said those hateful words!” Bucky felt physically stung. He jumped to his feet

“Just…just go will you? Just go away” mumbled Steve, wearily

Steve heard the front door slam shut and fell into weeping

-*-

 

The kids didn’t come back that night. Nor the following day; nor the day after; nor the day after that. Steve kept slogging at the accountancy work, but beyond that he had no life. He worked, he mainlined coffee, though all he could taste was the bile leaking from his own sick mind. He barely slept, he didn’t eat, and he didn’t wash or shave or even think to change his clothes. He just sat running numbers over and over again on innumerable spreadsheets, calculating and recalculating future share prices…and listlessly waiting for further instructions.

An email popped up.

From Nat.

“Steve, please expect a visit from Sam Wilson tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. Bucky and the kids are here with me and Becca. Regards, Nat”

“”Regards”? She must really hate me” thought Steve

An hour or so later, he heard the front door unlock. He didn’t look around. He just continued to stare at the spreadsheets.

“Steve. I’ve come to collect some things. We’re all staying with my sister right now…that is… until you’re feeling better”

“Yeah, you do that” he said flatly

Bucky gulped

“The …the research is going well. I thought you’d want to know. I’ve volunteered to be their test subject. I didn’t know if you think that was a good idea or not after the stuff you drank for me. I’d like you opinion. I’d value your opinion, Steve” Bucky’s voice wavered, modulating wildly between hope and despair, desperate for a shred of validation from the love of his life.

“Yeah, you do that” he said, in the same impassive tone as before

“NO” said Bucky firmly “No…I’m not having this. Our love is stronger than this. I won’t give my husband up without a fight. You turn round and FACE me damnit!”

“You want my opinion? You want me to tell you what to do, Baby? Then go off and screw yourself”

“Steve slowly turned in his chair”

Bucky gasped in undiluted horror at his husband's face

“You…you….”

Steve nodded grimly

“Yeah, I grew out a beard, and I know what this means to you. It’s like your dad’s, huh?”

“Close enough” squeaked Bucky

“Bucky, men aren’t trustworthy. You’ve got to stop trusting us. I don’t want you anymore. I…I don’t love you anymore.”

“I don’t believe you” Bucky wailed “You’re trying to hurt me, well you won’t. I love you too much, I…I simply don’t believe you…”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t have believed me when I said I loved you, because I never did”

Steve turned back to the screen “You’re on your own, Barnes, you miserable cry-baby. You disgust me. You’re nothin’ more than a dead weight round my shoulders. Grow a backbone, or find someone else to wipe up your tears. Go get yourself a divorce – I’m through with you”

He heard Bucky’s shrill heartbroken cry. The guilt swirled and rattled inside Steve like a pressure cooker about to blow. He winced at the sheer agony he was causing. But he needed to do it. He had to do it. Bucky and the kids deserved better.

He heard movement upstairs, but Bucky didn’t say another word. The front door closed again quietly. He heard the sound of keys posted through the letterbox bouncing off the doormat. Bucky was gone. Gone for good.

-*-

“Now are you absolutely sure about this, Mr Rogers? It’s still not too late to pull out”

“Yeah, I’m sure” shrugged Bucky, not even bothering to correct Banner “I mean, what have I got to lose, right?”

Banner finished securing the mould around Bucky’s left side and poured the rapidly cooling metal into T’Chaka’s prototype insulated sleeve. Several assistants scratched their observations noisily onto clipboards

“Steve didn’t object then?”

“Steve barely said a word” said Bucky, truthfully “Clint objected of course. Said I was subscribing to the medical model of disability and shouldn’t want this. But he’s got a happy family and a wife to care for him and I’m sure as heck not going to let my kids down by passing up on this chance. Steve was right about one thing, I need to grow a backbone. I’m on my own now, so I’d better get used to it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for arxiver
> 
> Time for an unholy alliance of Marvel and DC - hold on to your hats!

“Jesus, Rogers, what died in here?” exclaimed Sam, before wrinkling up his nose “Oh, it’s you”

“If you wanna stay on the doorstep, be my guest. I’m not stoppin’ you” Steve replied, impassively

“Now that’s hardly hospitable, is it?”

“Suit yourself” 

Sam followed Steve into the lounge. The place wasn’t exactly messy, though it was clear Steve had been using the couch as a place to crash, but clearly the house could cope with a bit of neglect a lot better than Steve’s tiny stinky body could.

“Sorry” said Sam “I shouldn’t judge. Anyway, from what I hear, Bucky’s team o’ nerds smell a whole lot worse, but what’s with the beard? You auditioning for Santa this Christmas? And I’m guessin’ you know how Bucky feels about beards, huh?”

“You just can’t stop yourself, can you Sam?”

“Guess not. I’m just concerned about you, that’s all”

“Don’t be. Really. Don’t” he growled

“You know, this passive-aggressive hobo chic really doesn’t suit you. I think I actually preferred that obsessive perfectionist workaholic you started out as, and I really hated you back then”

“Aren’t counsellors meant to say positive friendly stuff?”

“Depends on the case” Sam joined Steve on the couch. As he’d suspected, it was still warm. He must have woken Steve up from a nap, though that couldn’t explain this epic level of grumpiness.

“You sleeping?”

“When I have to?”

“You eating?”

“The same”

Sam nodded “Okay, enough small talk. What the fuck’s goin’ on?”

Steve stared at the carpet

“You’re not a fool, Steve. You don’t dump your family on a whim. Something major brought this about”

Silence

“Look, Steve, I’m not gonna judge, and I’m not gonna sit around lighting candles singing “Kumbaya” like I would with Bucky. You’re different. You’re…well you’re practical and pragmatic and…well, this isn’t like you. This isn’t like you at all”

Steve raised his chin, catching Sam’s eye for a brief, furtive moment

Sam sighed “I can fix you buddy, but I can’t do that unless you lift the hood and let me in. I gotta see what the problem is”

Steve swallowed thickly “Leo got caught playing “doctors and nurses” with his best friend”

“Right?” Sam encouraged

Steve settled back into silence

“And?” he prompted

“You don’t know what that means”

“I’m missing something here” said Sam “Lots of kids wind up doing this kinda thing; it’s a part of growing up. What’s your point?”

“Don’t you see?” Steve’s voice turned hoarse, almost angry

“No” Sam said, candidly “I don’t see…but you can help me understand what I can’t see. Is this something from your past?”

Steve winced

“When you were…were..with your dad?”

“I was twelve or thirteen I think. I…I touched another boy a couple of years younger than me. He seemed to like it. It was the first time I felt in control of what was happening, instead of being forced down and used by…well…y’know…”

“I know” said Sam. Sam had been Bucky’s counsellor. He knew enough without breaking the confidentiality of sealed files to know that Bucky and Steve shared identically horrifying childhoods of physical and sexual abuse.

“Later this boy told his older brother. They tried…to catch me out. They were mean to me, especially the boy I did it to. I felt horrible, ashamed, so dirty. I felt I was turning into my dad and his friends.”

“I understand”

“Do you?” cried Steve, hotly “Do you know what it feels like to think you’re turning into some kind of a monster, and trying to push all that shit down in your mind so it never comes out again…and then…and then it does when your own son does the same?” he wailed “What if I turning him into a monster too, Sam? What if it’s…what if it’s something I’m passing on to my family?”

Sam sighed

“I tried to be calm. I tried talking to my son about it. He didn’t mention any of that stuff he…well, that he doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know about, but he felt ashamed and embarrassed and guilty and all those things that I felt too” 

He picked up a couch cushion and continued, directing his stare at it, to avoid Sam’s eye “Also, I can tell he’s confused and curious about what same-sex couples get up to even though we don’t actually do any of that stuff together. So, maybe if he spends too much time round me and then finds out about the shit that happened to me n’ Bucky, then he’ll end up growing up warped and damaged, and it’ll be all my fault”

“That sounds really painful for you, Steve. You’re concerned for your family and you want to protect them from the stuff inside your mind, don’t you?”

Steve nodded

“Is that why you sent Bucky and the kids away?”

“They’re better off without me” Steve sobbed at the cushion

“I understand, Steve. I really do understand. From your point of view, you’re keeping them safe from you”

“Bucky’s doing so well with his new job and his studies and all. He doesn’t need me anymore to raise the kids. Really, it’s better this way”

“You’re thinking that, if you shared these feelings with Bucky that he wouldn’t understand?”

Steve dropped the cushion and looked up “No, I think there’s a very good chance he’d understand. But he simply wouldn’t care about the consequences, and that’s a real problem. He wouldn’t think what this might mean for Leo’s development or the future of our family. All he’d want to do is cuddle my pain away and make things all better so I could carry on being his big strong shield and protector. Well, I can’t do that anymore, Sam. I just can’t.”

“You’re right, buddy, you can’t. Not in this state. I won’t condone what you did to Bucky to send him away, but in terms of getting this resolved, you made a good call.”

“Y’you think so?”

“Yeah” said Sam “It’s logical. It’s the kinda thing I’d expect Steve Rogers to think. But you can’t leave it at that. You need to move forward; and you can’t move forward until you’ve made a plan”

“A plan?”

“To meet this boy. You need to find out exactly what happened. You need to resolve this.”

Steve looked mortified “But I can’t. What…what if he hates me, what if he wants to kill me? What if he presses charges?”

“I’m pretty sure kids playing doctors and nurses, even with a slight age gap, wouldn’t be considered a prosecutable offence in any civilised country. And I hardly think he’ll use this as an opportunity to plunge a dagger into your chest. But yes, he might be angry. He might not be, but he might be. You’d need to prepare yourself for that possibility of course”

“You’re talking as if I’m actually gonna try and do it?”

“You are. You have to, don’t you see? It’s the only way you can tackle the guilt. It’s the only way you can assure yourself that this wasn’t your dad’s influence and that you weren’t bad or dirty or evil”

“But I was”

“Were you? There are two sides to every story. What did he think about it?”

“He never said. He was just mean to me afterwards”

“Yeah, well that’s kids for you” Sam shrugged “But time’s moved on: he’s a grown man. What does he think now?”

Steve stared down at the carpet again

“You have to know, Steve” said Sam, quietly “Not just so you can scrub this last bit of your dad out of your mind, but because it’s blocking you from being a husband to Bucky and a dad to your family”

“I don’t want to put them in danger”

“But don’t you see, Steve? You’re already doing that”

Steve looked back up at Sam, questioningly

“The things you said to Bucky…I asked not to hear the details, but Becca told me enough. She said you’d practically ripped his bleeding heart out and stamped on it”

“It was the only way” said Steve sadly “I couldn’t just give him a gentle shove. Bucky’s way too loving. I had to kill his love for me, or else he’d never have stayed away.”

“Yeah, Bucky’s acting like he’s bereaved all right” agreed Sam “But bereavement is an emotionally very dangerous time, especially if the lost partner made most of the family’s life decisions”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at it this way, Steve. You’re the pilot of your family. You set the direction”

“I don’t” protested Steve

“Yeah, you do buddy” countered Sam, flatly

After a lengthy pause, Steve conceded with a sigh.

“That’s not to say that you don’t worship the ground Bucky walks on. That’s not to say that he doesn’t help you to make those decisions too; he’s your co-pilot. But what happens if the pilot stops giving directions?”

“Bucky will take over”

He might. Then again, he might not. I’ve counselled bereaved partners before, Steve, so I know Bucky’s only got two choices available to him right now. He can curl up in a ball and stop making any decisions at all, apart from thinking “What would Steve have done?”, and if that happens, Bucky won’t be able to cope with the slightest hint of change, and your family will tear itself apart.”

Steve gulped

“Or he can wrestle bravely with the controls and try his best. He might just pull it off, but the odds are stacked against him. Without ever having made decisions before, he’s quickly going to start second guessing those decisions, even the good ones, until he’s convinced himself he’s just a bad parent. At which point, he’ll most likely curl up in that ball all over again”

“Bucky wouldn’t do that. He’s strong” challenged Steve, trying desperately to convince himself he was right.

“Steve” said Sam gently “I respect Bucky a hell of a lot, he’s the most loving, caring and giving person I’ve ever had the privilege to meet, but emotionally, Bucky’s always going to be a traumatised child. He’s so sensitive, he cries when you call him Mama. And you’ve just broken his heart and abandoned him with three kids to support. Realistically, without you, he’s screwed”

Steve began to weep bitterly

“I’m sorry, buddy, but that’s just how it is.”

“You’re right, Sam, I’ve been so selfish”

“I do understand, Steve, you had to be selfish. You have to make yourself safe before you can help your family. But the longer you delay doing that, the greater the danger to your loved ones”

“So what do I do?”

“You get shaved, you get showered, and you get on the case, my friend”

 

-*-

Bucky didn’t like the feeling. There was something sticky and tickly, like pins and needles doused in molasses creeping stealthily into his upper back.

“Feel unpleasant?” asked Banner

“Just…really odd. Not human” Bucky observed

“Well, it is a metal arm, what did you expect. A cuddle?”

Bucky winced at the fresh emotional scar, and distracted his fears by looking in the full-length mirror. The appendage glinted like a precious jewel in the light, but it wasn’t exactly pretty: it seemed massy, lumpen, a dead weight round his shoulder “Is that how I felt to Steve?” he thought

“How long…”

“Before it grows in?” Banner finished “Not long at all. The catalyst I added to the original MG7V formula increases bonding and strength exponentially. You should be in possession of a fully functioning arm in a few hours; although you do appreciate you’ll never achieve full sensation, yes?”

“Just as long as it’s a practical tool, that’ll be good enough” concluded Bucky, sadly.

-*-

 

“Mrs Barnes-Romanov, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

“I’ve come to raise some concerns sir, about the special project”

Well, when my secretary told me you’d requested an emergency meeting, I was imagining a major catastrophe, but “concerns”?”

“They’re rather more than concerns sir” said Nat, tense and tight-lipped

Tony flicked through the file she handed him

“These results, they look good…too good. If these were share prices, I dare say our Mr Rogers would call them “artificially inflated””

“That’s another very grave concern, sir, but let’s deal with one crisis at a time, shall we?”

“The counsellor you recommended isn’t happy with progress?”

“Too early to tell yet sir” replied Nat, smoothly “But to address the matter at hand, may I draw your attention to the catalyst Mr Banner added to experimental formula MG7V?”

Tony furrowed his brow “I’ve honestly never heard of this chemical, is it new?”

“Bucky searched for it over a week ago” She indicated an entry in the file reporting zero matches

“Mr Banner can’t have just “made it up” surely?”

“He didn’t, sir. Bucky didn’t find it because his databases are medical, not military. He’s shaping up to be a damn fine librarian, but even he doesn’t have that level of clearance”

“And you do?”

“No, sir, officially none of your employees do…but I know an ex-marine who does”

Tony smiled “That’s what I pay you for, Mrs Barnes-Romanov. So, what did Logan find out?”

“A highly experimental compound used in shell cases to accelerate their speed, range and explosive potential, triggered by a chemical catalyst on firing. It all looked very promising in the 1950’s. Every shell case expanded and burst catastrophically in the tests. They stopped testing less than a decade later when guided missiles effectively made such ordinance weapons obsolete.”

Tony’s mouth flopped open. “How…how did Mr Banner even know about this stuff? Let alone use it?”

“We don’t know, sir. Frankly I’m becoming increasingly suspicious about Banner’s motives, but I can’t prove anything at this stage. To be honest there’s a lot we don’t know about this project. If it hadn’t been for one of the project team sneaking these papers to a guard, we’d know even less”

“This is getting completely out of hand. I can’t believe Bucky would let his happen. He’s thorough”

“Bucky’s a terrific researcher, the best we have, but he’d be the first to admit that he’s no manager. Without the guidance of his husband since the separation, he’s lost effective control over the project. Banner’s firmly in charge now. If I may refer you to page seventeen of the document?”

Tony flicked through. “Human testing? They authorised human testing?”

“With Bucky’s signature authorising it, sir. If the rumours about Bucky’s current mental and emotional state are true, then he’d gladly sign his own death warrant if you placed it in front of him”

“But this is highly dangerous. It could kill anyone who…” Tony put his hand to his forehead, and covered his eyes “Please don’t tell me he volunteered?”

“He started field trials this afternoon sir. He’s taking his family to the cinema this evening to test it. Luckily I have a wedding ring on his closest relative. Becca’s going with them.”

-*-

There were plenty of plots and subplots to their kid’s not entirely unexpected choice of film: “Avengers: infinity war”, but it was the ones off screen that concerned Becca the most. Leo and T’Challa were clearly enjoying the movie action but remained understandably edgy around each other, catching each other’s eyes warily whenever either of them gestured too wildly or laughed out too loudly. T’Chaka wasn’t paying much attention to the screen, intent on looking casual whilst simultaneously using every trick in the book to reconcile the two former best friends. 

Her brother’s eyes were tethered to the screen, but permanently glazed, his mind drifting far, far away. Occasionally, he’d wince, whether from the discomfort in his newly attached arm, or some deeper emotional anguish, she didn’t know. When that happened, she’d catch his eye, and he’d attempt a shockingly bad rendition of an “I’m okay, Sis” thin-lipped smile. God, she wanted to punch Steve so badly in his perfect teeth right now.

Clara had a bad cold and the screening was way past Suzy’s bedtime, so Nat had agreed to babysit. Much as she loved her nieces, Becca was for once thankful that she could concentrate on the immediate issues at hand, ready to help should anything untoward occur.

In the end, “untoward” wasn’t a drastic enough word to describe what would actually happen later that evening.

Walking away from the cinema towards the street where he’d parked the car, with two riotously excited children playing at being superheroes, Bucky in a trance-like haze and Becca intent on ensuring he didn’t walk into traffic, T’Chaka - himself preoccupied with the boys - easily lost his bearings.

“It’s this way, come on guys”

“Are you sure?” asked Becca

“Yes, trust me, I know what I’m doing” T’Chaka exclaimed. Becca could smell his bluff from a mile away, but, in the absence of Steve, any kind of male assurance seemed to soothe Bucky’s frayed nerves and the kids couldn’t care less either way. They were having way too much fun to notice.

It was a cliché worthy of a scene in a superhero film when, lost in a big city, the little group blundered up a blind alley. Becca could almost hear the ominous music. She shook herself out of the fantasy. “This can’t be happening” she assured herself. She kept doing that, right up to the moment they found themselves surrounded.

From that point, everything seemed to speed up. Becca saw T’Chaka launching himself at anyone who came near the kids, with Bucky flailing around with his metal arm, carving a path through the assailants. The kids were screaming. She placed her arms around them, trying to guide them along her brother’s path, but she stopped when she heard the unmistakable sound of a safety catch being released.

Out of the darkness, an obscene looking man sporting an enormous grin, thick white make-up and quite the most hideous purple suit she’d ever seen, stepped forward with a revolver.

“Tell me, did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

“What?”

“I ask that of all my prey” sneered the grinning freak

Bucky’s target shooting practice paid off. In a split second, he estimated where the barrel was aimed and launched himself into its path, pushing Leo clear, just as the firing chamber exploded. Becca saw everything in slow motion. Even in this state, Bucky didn’t hesitate to sacrifice himself for the kids. She thought she’d lost her brother, until she saw the spark of metal as the bullet neatly ricochet’s off Bucky’s metal arm.

It was just the pause they needed. “Move” bellowed T’Chaka, dragging Becca and the kids along with him. He didn’t stop and he didn’t look back until he’d pulled them clear and out into the safety of the nearest busy street.

Bucky lay where he fell, gasping heavily. The man with the grin shrugged. “Never mind, boys, we got what we came here for. Take him.”


	6. Chapter 6

The cell door let out a piteous squeal as they hurled him in.

Bucky tumbled a few feet and came to rest near a worn wooden bench. He felt very sore. In the language of gangsters he’d merely been “softened up a little” but that was all that was required. The grinning man seemed to instinctively know that all that was really needed were a few choice words, and choice words he had aplenty. He’d never even asked Bucky anything; it just seemed like another cruel game, like the games his father had played with his body; like the games Steve had played with his heart.

And then he realised the games hadn’t stopped yet

“James Buchanan Rogers, what an unexpected pleasure”

The hoarse voice emanated from an unkempt looking man chained to the back wall of the cell, clad in a grubby-looking straitjacket

“Odinson” Bucky acknowledged

Thor Odinson looked Bucky up and down, then sighed

“Well, if it’s any consolation. It’s no triumph for me to find you here”

“You wanted me dead” spat Bucky

Thor shook his head sadly “You’re wrong. I wanted Steve dead; you were merely the means to the end”

“Well I failed at that too, didn’t I?” asked Bucky “God, everyone wants to use me, yet no-one gets what they want from me. What am I? A burst condom?”

Thor chuckled almost indulgently

“Your sense of humour’s improved at least. The new arm’s impressive too. I take it that’s what “he” wants?”

“He didn’t say”

“No, I don’t suppose he did. He’s quite mad you know? He sprung me out of Arkham asylum but he’s never even told me why. I wish he’d left me there. At least they fed me in that padded cell”

“How do you know about the arm?”

“I overheard them when they dragged me here. Something about a compound that makes it very strong, I heard the words “military grade” being bandied around. Mean anything to you?”

“Banner talked about a catalyst being added to the metal” mused Bucky “He never did say what it was”

“I heard that name too, several times, something to do with a project he was working on for them? Didn’t know what that meant until now. Looks like someone’s ratted you out my friend”

“I’m not your friend”

“No, no I’m not” agreed Thor “If I’ve learned one thing from my wasted life, it’s this: Don’t trust anybody”

“Yeah, I got that memo” he snorted bitterly

Thor grinned “Yeah, but getting the memo’s no good. You’ve got to read it”

The cell door squealed again. Bucky winced. He didn’t think he could take much more of this.

 

-*-

 

Steve looked down at the scrap of paper in his shaking hand one last time. He’d screwed it up and unfurled it so many times, that he could barely make out the address.

“You sure this is the place?” asked Sam

“Well, my handwriting was pretty shaky when I took it down but…I guess so”

“And you still want to do this alone?”

“I told Peter I wanted to meet him. I didn’t say I’d be bringing a chaperone. No offence”

“None taken” said Sam “But just remember I’m here in the car if you need me”

“That’s nice. My own personal getaway driver” Steve laughed nervously

“Well, on you go, soldier. And, if you find yourself in any difficulty, remember it’s not just you who you’re doing this for”

“I know. I probably wouldn’t have the courage to do it otherwise”

A few minutes later and he was sitting in a lounge so similar to his own, he half expected Bucky to bustle through the door in his battered old house-coat, with the tea tray in his hand. Instead, his old school friend Peter Parker handed him his drink in an elegantly patterned teacup and saucer. Steve was gripped with the fear that his shaking would upset the liquid, or worse still break the delicate china. This dilemma had the effect required. He simply had to set the cup and saucer down on the coffee table and face the situation head on.

Time hadn’t altered Peter’s face; simply lengthened and angled them into the frame of a grown man, graphically illustrated in the wedding photograph on the bookshelf by the fireplace. Steve thought of the photograph above his own fireplace, of him and Bucky on their wedding day. The thought of what he’d done to Bucky made him sick to the stomach but it also gave him the drive he needed to pierce the silence. He was doing this for Bucky. His love for Bucky and the kids demanded that he resolve this.

“Your wife?”

“Yes, we’ve been married nearly three years now. Sharon’s expecting our first in two months’ time” Peter smiled nervously

“Congratulations Peter. I’ve been married only a little longer than yourself. We’ve got three kids”

“Oh really?” said Peter, with a sigh of relief. “It’s good to know you’re married too”

“Peter…” said Steve carefully “I…I don’t know how to say this”

“I know you don’t. But I think you do want to say something don’t you? Or you wouldn’t be here”

Steve nodded

“What I did…what I did all those years ago. It was very wrong of me” Steve laid a punch to his palm in frustration “God, that sounds so fuckin’ inadequate. It was the worst thing I could have done, Peter”

Peter’s eyes sunk to the floor

“I didn’t understand what I was doing and, well…I’d been used sexually for a long time before I even knew you. I was so mixed up inside. I didn’t know where the barriers were at the time”

“I…I didn’t know that about you, Steve”

“Well, I never told anybody about it. I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was a kid. I wanted to be liked. You liked me, and…well, I didn’t understand where liking ended and…the other stuff, began” Steve screwed his eyes up, casting his mind back to a time when his life had no meaning, when he simply felt he existed: existed to be used for others.

“You never told anybody?”

“Not for years. I got a respectable desk job and lived a tidy controllable life, something I could call my own; something safe. And then I took a chance when I fell in love”

Peter nodded “I’m happy things got better for you”

“But they didn’t” said Steve “I never came back to you, Peter. I never said I was sorry to you. I never told you how I felt, but most importantly I never asked you how you felt. What I did was so very wrong”

“I hear it’s pretty common. I talked to people about it later, when I felt strong enough”

Steve winced

“But you shouldn’t have had to. I caused that pain in the first place. You shouldn’t have had to go through any of that. I was at fault, and no amount of excuses can make up for how I made you feel back then”

Peter closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, as if summoning the past

“It did hurt, Steve. It hurt so much. You’d been my best friend. I felt like you’d cheated me of something special. It was fun and yet it was nasty too. I really wanted to hurt you back so I did. I was vicious. That was wrong too. Later I wondered if you had something bad inside that made you do it. I guess I know now, that’s why I’m happy to hear you’re married and have kids of your own. Whatever happened to you hasn’t damaged you too much”

“You do me too much credit, Peter. I have a same-sex marriage. My kids are adopted”

“Doesn’t matter” shrugged Peter, as it if was the most natural thing the world “It still proves you’re okay, that you’ve got a loving family life”

“Well I did” sighed Steve “I’ve made my husband very sad recently”

“I’m sorry. I hope you’ll find a way to win him back”

“So do I” said Steve “And coming here today has helped me a lot. Tell me, Peter, are we…we okay now? Are you able to forgive what I did to you in the past?”

“Yes, I forgive you, Steve. I can’t pretend I’ve always been able to say that, but sometimes we have to let go of the pain in the past and look forward to the future. I’m glad that you had the strength to come and talk to me today. That means a lot, my friend”

Steve smiled at Peter’s mention of friendship and sipped politely at his tea from the cup and saucer. He noticed, as he did so, that his hand wasn’t shaking any more.

 

 

-*-

Something snapped when he landed face first back in the filthy cell. “Probably a rib”, thought Bucky, they’d been broken before after all. He felt a sharp stab of pain, but it didn’t linger. Nothing lingered, except for the words: their sting never dissipated. He never ever got used to the words.

“Ugh” ventured Thor “They really did a number on you this time” He shook his head sadly “If it’s any consolation, a group of ‘em came in while you were away and gave me a thrashing for good measure.”

“What did they want from you?” asked Bucky, hoarsely

“Nothing. They never do any more. I’m just sport for them at this stage” he shrugged. “They even took the straitjacket off just to see me try and fight back. They seem to get a thrill out of inflicting cruelty. Most cowards do. I know I did”

Bucky nodded “Yeah, I know a few other people like that” he muttered

“Anyway, that’s not important right now. Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?”

“Well, since you ask, no”

“Then why ask me?”

“I think it’s what they call “concern”. Guess I’m getting soft in my twilight days”

Bucky gave a short laugh, which turned to a yelp from the busted rib

“Ouch. Even I felt that” Thor sympathised

“They want to know what the arm’s made out of” Bucky said “How the heck should I know?”

“Well, you’re the one wearing it”

“And I led the project team that designed it” continued Bucky “But firstly I didn’t have to remember it. That’s what the computers are for. And secondly, Banner added new stuff to it at the eleventh hour I don’t even know about”

“That weapons grade shit” confirmed Thor “The thugs were joking to each other about that. You’d think they’d learn to control their tongues but no…they keep babbling on about what they’re gonna do to Banner”

“You think he’s not co-operating?” asked Bucky “Wouldn’t surprise me. It doesn’t matter what they’re paying him, he can get pretty stiff-necked if he feels he’s being dictated to”

“Well, they’ll snap it for him; if he’s not careful” warned Thor “We both know you don’t mess with these kinds of people”

“I wish I could do that” Bucky mused

“Do what?”

“Get stiff-necked about being told what to do”

“You eager for a broken neck as well?”

“Kinda. At least I wouldn’t have to think about the shit my life’s turned into anymore”

Thor sighed “You know, much as I hate this place, it’s a great leveller. I thought I was a big shot, even in the asylum. Now I know different. We’re all reduced to shit in the end”

“But you made your own shitty decisions” protested Bucky “I…I  just let myself be led by people out of fear, and then out of love. And look where it’s got me?”

“I remember saying that to Steve “You wanted Bucky, I said, and look where it’s got you?” Well, I don’t know where it got Steve, but it got you a chance of life”

“I was alive before”

“No” Thor said, shaking his head “You were existing. I read your files, remember? Sorry about that” he added, as an afterthought

Bucky dragged himself up to a wooden bench and tentatively perched on it

“Why do you say that I had no life before?”

“Because it’s the truth. You lurched from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. Suddenly you saw a chance for a life with someone who loved you, and you leapt at that chance. I can’t fault you for that. And you can’t fault yourself for that either”

“But I listened to him. I gave him my heart, and…and…” Bucky began to sob quietly

“I’m sure you did your best. Whenever you take a risk, there’s a chance you’ll fail. At least you were brave and you tried. There’s plenty of damaged people out there who wouldn’t even have tried”

“And that’s the point” wailed Bucky “Maybe I should never have tried, because I got happiness and now it’s been snatched away from me. That feeling’s worse than all of this torture, it’s worse even than the feeling of worthlessness I have, because for a brief time, I actually thought I meant something to someone”

Thor shrugged good-naturedly “It’s left you with a lot of pain, but it’s also left you with some good memories to sustain you now you’re that you’re going back”

“Going back?”

“From living to just existing again. I’m assuming by what you’ve said that your life with Steve’s over now?”

Bucky nodded sadly “When I was trapped by the explosion in Stark Tower, Nat said Steve was frantic with worry, consumed with love for me. Where is he now?”

Thor didn’t have the heart to respond to that and lapsed into silence, a silence pierced a few minutes later by an anguished cry from somewhere nearby

“Banner?”

“Banner” confirmed Bucky “You think they’ll be back for me next?”

“Does it matter?” asked Thor “The thugs might be mindless, but their boss is clearly intelligent. He knows you don’t know what that arm’s made out of”

“No” confessed Bucky “But they could analyse it. They could reverse-engineer it. You know what he said to me?”

“Who? The man?”

Bucky nodded “He said all he wanted was the arm. That he wasn’t bothered what happened to the blob of goo attached to the end of it”

“How very like him” observed Thor, tartly

“It…it made me think of something Steve said, about me being a blob of gristle”

“Bucky, you’re gentle and sensitive and you remember things far too well. Any decent loving man would consider those to be adorable characteristics. But right now, they’re terrible character flaws. You’ve got to block all this stuff out of your mind, or you’ll lose it”

“Lose my mind? Damn how I long for that?”

Thor looked up at him in horror

“Don’t say that, I’ve been there. It isn’t pretty”

“And the first stage to losing your mind” continued Bucky “Is losing your body. So, let’s get started”

Bucky started to pull viciously at the metal arm. The pain was so intense, he felt like someone was disembowelling him

“You cut that out right now!” protested Thor “We’ve no medical help, no dressings, what if you bleed to death? Damn this chain, I can’t even get close enough to help you…”

“I don’t care” shouted Bucky defiantly “If I die, then at least the man gets the arm he wants and Steve won’t need a divorce any more. He’ll be a widower”

“Stop that…stop that right now, Bucky. Think about your kids for pity’s sake. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t know what you’re doing”

“I know exactly what I’m doing” Bucky screamed, the skin tearing away in chunks, blood streaming down his torso

“Guards!” yelled Thor at the top of his lungs “GUARDS!”


	7. Chapter 7

You had to hand it to Sam, he was an exemplary counsellor. Not only great advice, but excellent chauffeuring skills (with a side-line in getaway driving that thankfully Steve hadn’t had to take him up on) and – to cap it all – he was a dab hand at housework.

“I’d lend you Bucky’s house-coat” he laughed, as he and Sam scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom “Only the left arm’s been sewn up. Besides” he added, with a blush “It only looks good on my husband”

“I still think you’re going about this the wrong way around” admitted Sam “You should be getting in touch with your family, before worrying about the state of the house. This place isn’t even particularly messy. My kitchen’s worse than this on a daily basis!”

“You’ve read my file” smirked Steve “I’m an obsessed perfectionist. If this place isn’t absolutely spotless, I’d be ashamed to let my family see it. Everything has to be just right for Buck…”

Steve was interrupted by the vibration of his cell phone. In a swift motion he withdrew it from his back pocket and checked the caller. It was Bucky’s number.

“Bucky?”

“Papa?”

Suzy’s voice was thin and wavering. Steve’s heart lurched in his chest. He swallowed hard to gain some composure

“What is it little Suzy? Sweetheart?”

“Where’s Mama? I’m scared”

“What do you mean, darling?”

“It’s been three sleeps. Auntie Becca says we’ll be back together soon but it’s been three sleeps since we saw Mama or Leo”

“Can I speak to Auntie Becca?”

“No” protested Suzy “I…I shouldn’t be on Mama’s phone. But I’m so scared. Clara said she’d dister…distrer”

“Distract?”

“Yeah, that…to Auntie Becca so I could talk to you. Auntie Becca cries a lot. She keeps saying sorry to Auntie Nat because the bad men came and took Mama away, and then she cries. She’s so sad. The bad men don’t have you too, do they Papa?”

Steve gulped back the tears “No, no the bad men don’t have me”

“Good. Auntie Becca and Mama said you were sick. Are you all better now?”

“Yes” Steve sobbed, screwing his eyes up “I’m all better little Suzy”

“When do you come out of the hospital?

“The…hospital?”

“Auntie Nat’s gone over to see you. Is she there?”

“Not…not yet sweetheart. But when she comes I’ll be sure to say hi”

“Oh…okay”

Steve could hear Suzy sobbing softly on the other end of the phone. She sounded so lost. God how he wanted to pull her into a hug.

“Papa?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“What do we do?”

Sam had been right. Steve was the pilot of his family. Bucky had wrestled bravely with the controls but, as Sam feared, something had clearly gone wrong; disastrously wrong. Well, the kids were paying the price for Steve’s selfishness now.

“You sit tight, honey. I love you. Tell Clara I love you all, and I’ll be back soon. No need to worry, Baby”

“Papa?” Suzy’s voice grew smaller and weaker still “When are we gonna be together again?”

“Really soon, darling. I promise you. Have I ever broken a promise?”

A pause on the line. Suzy obviously gave that some serious thought “No” she eventually admitted

“Then trust your Papa. I’ll find Mama, we’ll all be together really soon. I love you, Baby”

“I love you too, Papa”

 

-*-

 

“Who the hell let you in?”

In the past, Steve would have responded with a wisecrack comment. But then, in the past, Nat would have been joking

“Nat…” he began “What’s wrong?”

“Other than you turning into the husband from hell? Plenty. But why should I share any of that with you? You obviously don’t care”

Steve’s shoulder’s drooped. Sam gave her a beseeching look.

“All right, all right” she relented, begrudgingly “Sam’s kept me in the loop. I kinda know why you flipped the way you did, but if you think I’m forgiving you for what you did to Bucky, you’ve got another thing coming”

“Agreed” said Steve, between gritted teeth “A sorry doesn’t begin to cover it”

“It’d be a start”

Steve nodded “Nat, I genuinely thought I was going to hurt Bucky, and the children, if they stayed, with those ugly thoughts in my head”

“Granted, but why be so damn vicious about it?”

“Bucky’s the very personification of a hug. How do you send him away? I thought if I tore the sticking plaster off quickly, rather than pull it slow, then that would be less painful in the long run. I was wrong. I love him so much. When he fought back, I got desperate and tore his heart apart. I’ve been wrong about so much these past few weeks. I don’t know where to begin to put everything right again”

“Other than scrubbing the house from top to bottom” Sam chimed in

“Well, there’s not much you can do to put things right here either, right now” said Nat “But at least we’re making progress”

Nat had aired the lab so it no longer smelt of unwashed nerd, but some of Bucky’s team remained dutifully at their posts, test tubes and microscopes at the ready.

“What are they doing?”

“They’re analysing the material Banner created for the arm. He added a highly illegal military-grade catalyst to increase the strength and malleability, but so far, after…how many now?”

“Fifteen” a bespectacled nerd piped up

“Thank you, Cedric. After fifteen attempts, every single sample has become highly unstable within seventy-two hours, resulting in catastrophic spontaneous combustion”

“That’s a sad end to Tony’s financial gamble” said Steve

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Nat sighed “Bucky was wearing an arm made out of that stuff. Didn’t he tell you he was going to be the test subject?”

Steve groaned, realisation dawning on him “I wasn’t listening properly, Nat. I was too intent on my own problems, damn!”

“And that’s the least of our difficulties” she continued “Your family were attacked three days ago by a gang of vicious criminals. They took Bucky.”

“What?” he screamed, his voice echoing in the lab. Several nerdish heads turned nervously to gawp at him; then he remembered what Suzy had said to him about “The bad men”

“Tony was frantic. He blamed himself for the kidnapping once we realised Banner was the inside man on this. Obviously, we’d guarded this facility too well for anyone to steal the formula, but Banner was one step ahead of us. By using Bucky as a test subject, he’d effectively smuggled the formula out already. All he had to do was tip the gang off about Bucky’s whereabouts, and that would have been simplicity itself”

“What about the kids?” gulped Steve

“Kids are fine” Nat reassured. Clara and Suzy weren’t there at the time. Leo and T’Challa were very badly shaken, but T’Chaka fought like a tiger to get them out. Becca tells me Bucky literally took a bullet for your son”

“Oh my God!”

“Apparently it bounced off the metal arm” Nat continued “Though I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded where it hit him as long as it didn’t hit Leo. The important thing is that thanks to him and T’Chaka, everyone else is safe”

Safe, but distressed. And Bucky sure as heck wasn’t safe. Steve was painfully aware that none of this would have happened had he not driven his family away.

“Suzy and Clara are staying with Becca, and T’Chaka volunteered to take Leo back home with him. We didn’t want to separate your kids, Steve, but we couldn’t risk Leo telling his sisters what happened”

Steve nodded. Clearly that part of their plan hadn’t worked.  Suzy’s call showed that his daughters were just as distressed at Leo’s disappearance as their Mama’s. But then none of this mess would have happened in the first place if it hadn’t been for him.

Trying to change the subject in his mind, he asked “What do we know about this gang?”

“Becca gave us a full description of the ringleader and after Tony spoke to some of the people he knows in the police department, he got a call from a businessman called Bruce Wayne, who heads a rival company in Gotham. Apparently their interests have been threatened by the same gang in the past. Together they’ve been working with the police to track them down”

“Don’t forget the suit” the bespectacled nerd chimed in

“Huh?” blinked Steve

“Yeah, I almost forgot. Tony had a suit of armour made out of the metal. He said after what happened with the Stark Tower bombings he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t play a full part in Bucky’s rescue”

“That sounds dangerous, and not just because the metal’s explosive”

“Well, I can’t disagree with you there, but I think Mr Wayne’s persuaded him that he needed to be a bit more proactive about law enforcement. Apparently, he’s got a lot of experience of doing that for himself. The last I heard, they were investigating a possible hide-out with the Gotham police. I asked Logan to join them, if only to make sure Tony didn’t get himself into any trouble, especially with the explosive suit”

Sam’s phone rang and he excused himself to take the call

“Well it looks like Tony’s on the case” said Steve uneasily “What can I do to help?”

“You can be with your family, but I’m guessing you’ll have some major bridges to build with my wife first. I’ll try to help if I can, Steve. You’re my best friend after all, but - in the end - this all depends on what happens with Bucky”

“And neither of us has any control of that” Steve agreed

Their conversation was interrupted by Sam’s return

“That was Logan. Tony and Mr Wayne have found the hideout”

“And Bucky?”

“He’s alive” said Sam, avoiding Steve’s eye

“C’mon Sam, what the hell does that mean?”

“He’s heading over to this hospital by Ambulance right now, and Tony wants me to assess him”

Nat cocked an eyebrow “Assess him for what?”

“I’ve already said too much” sighed Sam “I gotta go”

“Not without me” challenged Steve

“Steve, you…you sure you wanna do this?”

“Why the hell not?”

“Nuthin’” brooded Sam, “Just…nuthin’”

“Listen Sam, whatever’s happened in the past, he’s my husband. I love him. I can’t not see my husband!”

Nat shrugged “He does have a point, Sam”

 

-*-

 

Steve was surprised to see Tony already in the Accident and Emergency reception. Surprised and shocked, seeing that he was damn near unrecognisable in the strange shiny red and gold suit of armour. It was only when Logan helped him pull off his helmet that he even knew who it was.

Tony was deeply engrossed in a conversation with a tall man wearing a black rubber suit. But bearing in mind everything that day had been utterly surreal, this seemed entirely in keeping with everything else.

As Logan collected up the armour, presumably heading down to the lab for Bucky’s nerd team to safely dispose of it, Nat and Steve intercepted him

“Oh…good day Steve, Ma’am” said Logan, politely “If you’ll excuse me I really need to take this…”

“I know, Logan” Nat replied “But…can you tell me anything about…”

“I’d be here too long to give you a detailed report now, Ma’am, but suffice it to say, if you could think of your worst nightmare and deepen it into the jaws of hell, well…that’s what we found there”

“The gang?”

“The leader had already gone but we took out a lot of his retinue. Tony and Mr Wayne are terrific fighters, Ma’am.”

“Banner?”

“We found his body, or what was left of it. It was very badly burned”

 “Never mind about him” snapped Steve “What about Bucky”

“He went off in the first ambulance. The other prisoner’s on his way.”

“And…”

“Steve” said Logan sadly “We found Bucky in a terrible state, curled up in the foetal position, shivering, covered in his own blood, half his side missing…”

Steve’s eyes turned to saucers, his bottom lip trembling, unable to speak

“How do you account for that?” asked Nat

“The other prisoner was in a poor state too, but he’d seen everything. Apparently Bucky had suffered extreme torture at the hands of the gang. They wanted to know about the arm. In the end, Bucky couldn’t take the pain anymore and simply snapped. He tore his own arm out. We searched their cell for it but the arm wasn’t there”

“Banner” mused Nat “I guess he must have been working on the arm when it caught fire”

“When…” sputtered Steve “When…is Bucky due to arrive?”

“He’s already here”

“But this place is quiet as Stark Corporation Library” said Nat “Surely he’d be crying out in pain?” I mean, even with an anaesthetic he…”

Logan held up his hand to stop her

“It’s not like that Ma’am, it’s not like that at all. That’s the weirdest thing of all. He must be in agony, but he doesn’t make a sound. All we could hear was his laboured breathing”

“That…doesn’t sound good” murmured Sam, darkly.


	8. Chapter 8

The Accident and Emergency staff insisted that Bucky be treated and admitted before he received visitors. Impatient though Steve was, he also dreaded the prospect of seeing Bucky the way he’d been described. Nat took the opportunity to go home and break the news to Becca. She didn’t feel it was right to relay this kind of news to her wife over the phone.

Sam had been invited to join the medical team looking after Bucky, after Tony exerted a little gentle pressure and an appropriately-sized donation to hospital funds. An hour or so after his admittance, Sam returned to the reception, looking desperately sad and weary.

Steve handed him a nasty looking vending machine coffee in a plastic cup “You’ve never had a look on your face quite like that before, Sam. Is it that bad?” Steve gulped, praying that it wasn’t

Sam shook his head “Honestly, buddy, it’s difficult to tell. Sometimes when children suffer physical or sexual abuse, they kind of “drift away” so they can’t feel anything”

“Yeah” agreed Steve “Tell me about it”

“In psychiatry circles, we call that “disassociating” said Sam “And Bucky’s so far gone he’s practically in outer space. He doesn’t respond, except to pain, and even then he just winces a little. It’s like he’s totally shut down. I can’t reach him, Steve. I’m sorry”

“Is…” Steve gasped “Is it permanent?”

“Usually these kind of episodes last a few hours at most. According to his fellow prisoner, he’s been like this nearly two days. I’m not an expert on this kind of abnormal psychiatry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to recommend committal”

“What?”

“He needs specialised help Steve. Help I can’t provide. He needs inpatient treatment in a psychiatric facility”

Steve put his hands to his face and pressed the palms into his eyes until they hurt.

“Can I see him?”

Sam sighed wearily “You can if you want, Steve, but…he’s not the Bucky you knew. You’re gonna have to prepare yourself for that”

Steve timidly trailed behind the lead nurse as she guided him to a twin-bedded side ward. Before him, the man he loved more than he loved his own life, more than anything else in the world, hugged a pillow, still curled up in the foetal position, shaking and heaving his chest in small child-like sobs. His eyes fixed into the middle distance at some unknown horror. He was the very picture of a soul in the seventh circle of hell.

 And Steve had put him there.

 

“I begged him not to do it” came a subdued voice from the adjacent bend

“Odinson?”

Thor cast his eyes downward “I’m sorry Steve. I was considering not saying anything at all, seeing how upset you are, but – even though you’ve every right to hate me – you need to know the truth”

“What possible truth could you tell?” spat Steve

“I was imprisoned alongside Bucky” Thor continued, oblivious to Steve’s anger “The gang of thugs pulled me out of the asylum I’d been sent to after I was found guilty of kidnapping your family. Kind of ironic I was kidnapped myself”

“Fitting, I’d say” observed Steve, coldly

“Maybe so, Steve. I’m sure you won’t believe me, but I tried to help Bucky, I really did. He had a terrible time”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard” said Steve

“But the worst part was…he kept saying he was worthless and useless and that he deserved it all, because you didn’t love him”

Steve’s heart shattered

“I think that’s what pushed him over the edge in the end. He didn’t think you’d ever come back for him, so he…” Thor gulped “He said he wanted to go out of his mind so he’d not have to live with that pain anymore”

“But I do love him” Steve said, his eyes fixed on his trembling husband “I love him more than all the world”

“Then I’m truly sorry for you Steve. I begged him not to do it. I’ve been insane before. It solves nothing, but he wouldn’t be comforted and I was chained to a wall. I couldn’t even get near enough to stem the blood” Thor’s eyes leaked genuine tears

“What can I do?” asked Steve desperately

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if you were insane, you must have come back somehow. How did you come back? How can I help Bucky come back?”

“Everyone has a different pain” said Thor “Bucky’s is obvious, but it’s also enormous. He’s one giant heart, and that heart is utterly broken. You have to heal it, and that’s going to take a whole lot of time, and even more patience, if you can heal it at all.”

Thor’s eyes dropped humbly “I wish you luck, Steve, with my tiny shrivelled up heart, I wish you luck”

“Thanks Thor” Steve smiled between the tears “If there’s anything I can ever do for you, just say the word”

“Actually, there is” said Thor “Could you get them to send me back to the asylum?”

“You don’t want to go free?” gasped Steve

Thor shook his head sadly “If this is freedom, then I long not to be free”

 

-*-

 

Thor’s wish was granted the following day, and Bucky had the side ward to himself. For the next week, his physical condition improved somewhat; his side began to heal and his rib fracture stabilised. His shaking and sobbing stilled, but his eyes remained completely vacant and, whenever he was able, he’d curl back into a protective ball. No amount of prompting from the medical staff could incite him to speak, or eat, or even drink; only the drip was keeping him hydrated. Steve kept whispering gentle loving encouragement to him, as he’d been advised after Bucky’s previous hospitalisation, but every syllable of utterance was agony for him, because this time he knew he was the cause of the pain he was so desperately trying to soothe.

On the sixth day, Sam set up a family meeting to discuss the ongoing situation, which Steve, Becca and Nat had agreed to attend, for the sake of Bucky. Steve hadn’t been looking forward to the prospect and nearly bolted when he saw the look of hate in Becca’s eyes, but he knew that he had to face up to the consequences of his actions.

“So” sighed Sam, forcing a fake smile “We’re here to talk about what’s best for Bucky at this stage. Now, I’m aware that the doctors have talked to each of you separately about his condition, and I’ve made a professional assessment too, although I freely declare a conflict of interest here. As Bucky’s former counsellor, I want him to receive the very best treatment”

“Isn’t that what we all want?” queried Steve

Becca shot Steve a filthy look. Steve’s shoulders fell

“Yes, Steve, but what’s “best” could be interpreted in many ways. The hospital here is perfectly happy to continue Bucky’s care for as long as it’s needed. However, they can only address his physical symptoms. The underlying damage to Bucky is far more difficult to treat”

“How long do you think he’s going to stay unresponsive?” asked Nat

“Well, I’ve had discussions with some of my fellow colleagues in secondary care”

“You mean the psychiatric hospital” Becca cut in angrily

“Yes, I mean the psychiatric hospital. I used to work there before I was employed as a staff counsellor by Stark Corporation. Anyway, they can’t formally assess Bucky because he’s not in their charge, but from what I’ve described, they believe he’s suffering from an extreme form of PTSD”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” clarified Steve, to no-one in particular

“Bucky was repeatedly abused in his childhood, but his recent physical beatings and torture, combined with his belief that Steve had completely forsaken and abandoned him, led to an anguish so great that it caused him to tear his own arm out”

Steve looked down, he didn’t want to meet Becca’s eyes again. He just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him

“Now, of course, I can’t get inside Bucky’s head, none of us can, but my guess is that he’s regressed into some kind of cycle where he’s reliving his childhood abuse, because ironically that’s actually less painful than the suffering he’s recently experienced”

“I hope you’re happy, you bastard” growled Becca. Steve didn’t look up but he heard Nat trying to shush her

“Becca” warned Sam “This isn’t about attaching blame to anyone. Steve did a terrible thing in a wrong-headed attempt to protect Bucky and his family. I’m sure, if he had his time over again, he would have done it differently”

Steve nodded but he didn’t trust his own voice. He was too afraid that anything he said would just make Becca more resentful and angry than she already was.

“What we’re here for today” Sam clarified “Is to consider what to do that’s best for Bucky”

“So, what do your shrinks suggest?” asked Becca

“They think that if he’s trapped in a childhood cycle, it will eventually play itself out and Bucky will regain some awareness of the present, but how safe he’ll think that present is, given recent events, is anybody’s guess. The human mind is a wonderful thing, but it can also be a terrible thing. We don’t know how Bucky will react when he’s faced with a reality he might think is more terrible than even his worst childhood imaginings”

“You think he could hurt someone?” gasped Nat

“Knowing Bucky’s character, I should imagine that would be the least likely scenario of all. However, there’s a much stronger possibility he’ll attempt to hurt himself, to exit the reality he’s just entered as quickly as possible”

“He wants to send my brother to the funny farm” grumbled Becca to Nat “Can’t you see?”

“I don’t want to send anyone anywhere” said Sam, calmly “But you must appreciate that, should Bucky choose to harm himself, he would be sent there immediately whatever you decide at this point”

“So, what options are there?” Steve asked, swallowing thickly

“Bucky clearly needs medical care. He’s not looking after himself, and he’s not communicating, plus his wounds aren’t fully healed either. He can remain in this hospital for as long as you wish, or he can be released to the psychiatric hospital…

“No!”  Becca shouted

“Or we could release him to a private clinic to receive nursing care, with visits from psychiatric clinicians to, assess and advise further treatment.

“Are you talking about the Stark Clinic?” asked Nat “Isn’t that like the most expensive place imaginable?”

“Tony’s already agreed to admit Bucky for free, if that is your decision”

“But why?”  continued Nat

“I’m guessing he still feels responsible for what happened” said Sam

“Tony’s not responsible” snorted Becca “HE is” pointing at Steve

“Now, I thought we’d agreed this wasn’t going to be…”

“She’s right, she’s right” interrupted Steve “Yes, I am responsible Becca. I hurt your brother so brutally, I feel physically sick just thinking about it”

“Good” said Becca “Maybe you’ve got a conscience after all”

“But what can I do to make this better? I can’t unsay those words”

“You should have thought of that before you said them”

“That’s not helpful” Sam challenged “We need to…”

“I can speak for myself, Sam” interrupted Steve “Yes, I should have thought before I spoke. I was selfish. I was preoccupied with what I’d done to a child when I was a child myself. I was sure I was going to hurt our kids, and I got it into my head that, as my first priority was the kids, I’d do anything…ANYTHING to keep them safe. Even…even if that meant hurting Bucky” Steve choked

“And I don’t blame you for any of that” said Becca “Honestly, I don’t. Nat’s told me what happened. You needed to lay that issue to rest to be completely sure you wouldn’t hurt your family. And yes, all credit to you for doing that”

Steve looked at Becca, barely believing what she was saying

“But…” she continued “…why did you have to completely destroy my brother to do it? You tore your love out of him and actually pretended to be his abuser. What kind of a sick monster deliberately inflicts cruelty like that?”

“It’s unforgivable, Becca. Nothing I can do will explain it away. I can tell you what I was thinking if that helps even slightly?”

“Tell me then” spat Becca “Because even if I don’t understand, it can’t be worse than thinking you did that shit deliberately”

Steve sighed and scrunched his eyes up, trying to recall the thoughts, the emotions, even though they were the most painful episode in his life, worse even than his own childhood abuse

“Bucky kept coming back to me. He kept saying everything was okay, and that he loved me. Jesus, how I wish I could turn the clock back to those times” he sobbed

“But that’s not how it ended, is it?” said Nat pointedly

“No, you’re right. I had to get Bucky away from me in case I hurt him or the family, but he wouldn’t go. I couldn’t just hint that things weren’t right; that I wasn’t safe. Bucky relied on me for so much, he loved me so completely, he trusted me with his very life and I didn’t want to betray him by repeating what I’d done all those years ago. The more he insisted on loving me, the harder it got, and the more extreme I felt I needed to be to shock him into leaving. That’s when I started to choose targets that I knew would hurt him, like saying I didn’t love him”

“That still doesn’t explain you impersonating Bucky’s abuser” growled Becca

 “No…no it doesn’t. When I told Bucky I didn’t love him, he just refused to believe me. He was right of course, I did love lim….DO love him” Steve looked down sadly “That’s when a terrible co-incidence kicked in which I should never have exploited. I’d not been looking after myself properly. I’d stopped eating and washing…and shaving. And when I turned to Bucky and he gasped at the beard I’d grown, I saw a terrible, disgusting way of driving him away for good”

“You said you were his dad”

“Like his dad” Steve corrected gently “In one way, there was some truth to it. If I hadn’t been able to resolve my feelings about what happened between me and that boy all those years ago then perhaps I might have felt I had the capacity to be just that evil, even though every instinct in my body demands I love and honour and protect Bucky and our family. But, I can’t pretend I was being that honourable at the time. I just used it as a cheap insensitive ploy to frighten Bucky away from me. God forgive me, I didn’t even consider what damage it had done to him until it was too late”

“And he lay in that dungeon thinking everything you had together was a lie and you were just another evil monster” continued Becca

A dreadful realisation dawned on Steve “No wonder Bucky’s not responding to me. I keep assuring him that he’s safe and that I love him and we all need to be a family again. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if I’m actually making this worse?”

From having retreated to the corner to let the conflict play out, Sam now realised that all eyes had descended on him for a professional opinion

“I…I don’t know” he sputtered “If Bucky’s caught in a childhood cycle, then who knows what he believes or disbelieves about the present day?”

Steve turned to Becca. For the first time in the conversation, he didn’t avoid her eye

“I guess it’s up to you then. If you think I’m making things worse, then I’ll respect your wishes and go”

“You’d do that?”

“Yes. It’ll hurt me terribly, but nothing like the way I hurt your brother. And in the end, this really isn’t about me, this is about Bucky. I’ll do exactly what you think best”

Becca gave a half smile “Sometimes, I can see a faint glimmer of what my brother saw in you, Steven Grant Rogers”

Steve blushed demurely

“Okay, you can stay for now. But if it becomes clear that Bucky’s frightened of you when he does come round, I reserve the right to ask you to leave, okay?”

“Absolutely okay, Becca. Whatever you say”

“And, while we’re at it, I also think we should accept Mr Stark’s kind offer. I’m sure Bucky will feel much more comfortable in a nice private clinic than a scary mental hospital”

“Excellent” said Sam, breathing a grateful sigh of relief at the reduction in hostilities “I’ll make the necessary arrangements as soon as Bucky has recovered enough to be moved"

 


	9. Chapter 9

Less than a week after his transfer to the Stark Clinic, Bucky came back. Steve had actually been there when it happened. Bucky turned his head from where he had been staring at a blank wall to where he could hear Steve’s gentle reassurances. His eyes refocused from the middle distance directly onto Steve’s face.

Tears pricked the back of Steve’s eyes “Bucky…Bucky Baby. Can you see me? Can you hear me?”

Bucky looked up at Steve and blinked a few times

“It’s your Stevie? Do you recognise me, Baby?” Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s arm. Bucky flinched away violently.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t mean to touch you without your permission. I’m just so pleased to see you. Oh Baby, I love you, I love you SO much”

Bucky furrowed his brow, as if trying to remember

“A lot of…bad things have happened, Baby. But they’re all over now. You’re safe and you’re loved. The rest is gone now. It was all a dream, a bad dream. Your family have missed you, Baby. We all love you and we all miss you”

Bucky sighed wearily, as if everything was too difficult to take in. He closed his eyes and rested his head back on the pillow

“Can I stroke your hair, Baby?”

Bucky didn’t respond. Tentatively, Steve brushed a few fine strands of Bucky’s soft chestnut hair with his index finger, taking care to watch for any sign of stress from his husband. Bucky’s tensed shoulder seemed to relax just a little. Steve took this as an encouragement to continue, very gently.

“Oh Bucky, you’re so wonderful and beautiful to me. You’re the sun in my heaven. Thank you for coming back to me” soothed Steve

Bucky didn’t respond

Nor the next day

Nor the day after

Becca and Nat visited. Once they knew Bucky was starting to come back, they even brought the kids, hoping their presence would elicit a response. Bucky smiled weakly at his kids and even held Suzy for a little while, but he didn’t say a word. Thinking it might do him some good; Becca even invited Reverend Geraldine from the church. It did seem to calm him a little, but when Geraldine said her prayers, Bucky still couldn’t join in.

“This isn’t uncommon” explained Sam “We don’t know how much damage has been done to Bucky’s memory. He probably doesn’t trust himself to say anything right now. He might even be too scared to speak in case this is a dream and he’s going to wake up somewhere much worse”

“But you do think he’s still able to speak?” questioned Steve

“My God” exclaimed Becca “What if he’s got brain damage. What if he can’t speak any more?”

“I don’t think so” said Sam “His motor skills are a little sluggish, which is to be expected having been out of it for so long, but he’s got full movement of his body, he’s accepting a little food and drink now, and he’s clearly understanding what we’re saying. If it was a neurological condition like a stroke, we’d see impairments in some of those areas as well, and we don’t”

“Leo was really upset” Becca told Steve “He thought Mama didn’t love him anymore”

Steve winced. Every time the kids suffered, he took it personally. He’d hurt them even more than he’d hurt Bucky when he tore out his husband’s heart. How could he have been so short-sighted and stupid not to see that?

“Would it be okay if I talked to them, Becca?”

“Sure, Steve, they’re your kids”

The kids, now reunited, were still staying with Becca and Nat. Steve was thinking of asking for them back, but his sister-in-law was a terrific foster-mum, certainly better than Steve would be without Bucky’s gentle presence. Besides, another thought had just occurred to him.

“Could this be a trust issue, Sam?”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, he’s alone when we’re not visiting. What if he thinks we’ve abandoned him?”

“It’s a possibility. Thor did mention Bucky felt totally alone when he’d been kidnapped”

“But what more can we do?” asked Nat “You and I have got to work Steve, and Becca’s got work and the kids. We simply can’t be here all the time”

Steve nodded “When I was still getting to know Bucky, he said he felt worst at night, because that’s when he used to be abused most. He put up with a lot of unsuitable boyfriends just so he didn’t have to be alone at night. I could always ask if I could stay overnight with him”

“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Steve” said Sam “What if he thinks you’re the abuser? After all you pretty much told him that”

“Yes, yes, me and my big fucking mouth” said Steve, his voice cracking with shame “But I wouldn’t ask to sleep in Bucky’s bed. I could have a bed set up in his room, just to sleep near him so he didn’t feel alone”

“What do you think about that, Becca?” asked Sam

Becca bit her bottom lip in a way so characteristic of Bucky when he was thinking, that it made Steve smile wistfully

“I think I trust Steve’s judgement on this. If it freaks Bucky out, I’m sure you’ll leave the room immediately, right?”

“Yes Becca, I promise”

“Well, I’m going to need to speak to his medical team, maybe square this with Tony too, as well as deal with the practical arrangements” explained Sam “So don’t do anything until I have permission okay?”

Nat sighed “Assuming we get the green light no this, how do we broach the idea with Bucky?”

“That’s my problem” Steve conceded “I made this bed, so I’d better lie in it”

 

-*-

 

 

Leo was at Nat and Becca’s kitchen table when Steve called. He’d got out a big sheet of paper and a box of coloured pencils. Steve craned his head to look at his artwork. He’d drawn a street full of houses and shops, and coloured in each and every house. But for the big house in the middle, he was using a black crayon he’d borrowed from Suzy’s colouring set to totally obliterate it.

“What you drawing, honey?” asked Becca

“That’s the house where the bad men live” Leo pouted. Glancing up to see Steve, he looked ashamed and tried to cover up his picture

“It’s okay” said Steve gently “You’re right to feel that way about them. I feel like that myself sometimes”

“What did they do to make Mama so sad?”

Steve sighed and took a chair next to his son “Listen Leo, when Mama was sick last time, I didn’t tell you kids the truth properly. And I was wrong”

“I know” said Leo, simply

“So I need to tell you the full truth now. Mama was taken away, as you know, and the bad men did some very bad things to him. But” he swallowed “Before the bad men came, I got scared and I said something that really hurt Mama”

“What did you say?” Leo’s eyes were as big as saucers. Steve heart ached at the sight

“I told Mama I didn’t love him anymore”

“But why? I mean, don’t you love Mama anymore?”

“I love Mama so much, Leo. I love all of you so, so much”

“Then why ever would you tell a big lie like that?” gasped Leo

“I was scared that something bad was happening. I needed Mama to go away for a while so I could work out what was wrong with me, but he wouldn’t leave me. He said he loved me and he wanted to say. So, I thought if I said I didn’t love him anymore, he’d go away”

“Papa, I’m eleven, and even I think that’s dumb” said Leo, crossing his arms petulantly

“Yeah, it was really dumb, sweetheart. I can’t believe I was so dumb. But you see, when the bad men hurt Mama, he thought I didn’t love him, and that made him even more sad. We couldn’t find Mama so I couldn’t tell him I was wrong and I was sorry, and…and…” Steve began to weep

“That’s why Mama can’t speak?”

Steve nodded “I think so”

“What if I told Mama you loved him?”

“I keep doing that, Leo, but it’s not that easy. When you hurt someone, they don’t trust you so easily again”

“I know” nodded Leo “It’s the same with me and T’Challa”

It was then that it hit Steve; his son was a lot smarter than he was. Under different circumstances, he’d have hugged Leo, but for now he kept his pride treasured and safe in his heart, hoping that one day when Bucky trusted him again, that he’d be able to share that treasure with the love of his life.

“How are you two doing now?”  Steve asked

“Better. T’Challa’s dad is being awesome about it, and I think he knows I’m sorry for what I did. I just need to give it time, that’s all”

“I guess it’s the same for me too, son”

 

-*-

 

 

A few days later, an extra single bed appeared in Bucky’s spacious room. Steve had explained to Bucky what he’d like to do. Bucky had nodded calmly enough but shown nothing in the way of emotion. Deep down, Steve felt disappointed, but he didn’t want to show it. At least he didn’t “freak out”, as Becca had put it. At least not yet, anyway.

He waited a night with the empty bed in Bucky’s room, so that he could get used to the extra furniture being there, and when he visited that evening, he checked again to make sure Bucky was still comfortable with the arrangement. There was something strange about Bucky’s manner. Even though he didn’t say no, there was just something that Steve couldn’t put his finger on. Bucky was holding something back, and Steve didn’t know what it was.

He almost didn’t go through with it. He was worried that Bucky didn’t really want his company overnight, but in the end he figured to not go through with it would show he didn’t mean what he said, and that might set a dangerous precedent in making Bucky believe he couldn’t be trusted.

It seemed almost ridiculous, but Steve couldn’t face undressing in front of his husband. He was terrified that seeing his naked body might make Bucky think of past traumas. So, after a short sharp shower, he emerged from the en suite in a pair of ridiculous flannel pyjamas of a thickness he’d never have worn at home, even in winter.  It was an absurd idea. The clinic had heating almost as fierce as the hospital, but there was an upside too. If he slept on the top of his bed, perhaps Bucky would be less startled if he woke up in the middle of the night to see an unidentifiable lump snoring within a few feet of him.

“Can I…can I get you anything, Baby, before I go to sleep?”

Bucky shook his head, most solemnly

Then Steve had an idea

“Would you like me to stroke your hair a bit, to relax you”

Bucky smiled shyly. When Steve had stroked Bucky’s hair before, it had…well he couldn’t exactly say it had gone down well, but it certainly hadn’t been rejected. Gingerly, he brushed his fingers along the fine silky strands of Bucky’s lustrous brown hair. Bucky closed his eyes and smiled weakly.

“Oh Bucky, Baby. You mean everything to me” Steve began, soothing his husband “I promise you with all my heart that I’ll always be here to love and protect you”

As he expected, Bucky didn’t respond, but Steve hoped that by repeating these affirmations day after day, night after night, that Bucky would finally come to believe him.

 

-*-

 

Weeks passed. Steve worked, Nat worked, Becca had a crisis when she lost her - admittedly crappy - job because her bitch of a manager decided she didn’t like the idea of her looking after children and working at the same time, even though it hadn’t affected her work at all. But the crisis quickly passed. Becca had more time to spare for the kids, and the kids more than repaid her with their happy smiles when she picked them up from school and nursery. They also had more time to visit Bucky in the clinic.

Bucky’s reluctance to talk continued. His therapists didn’t want to force him to do something he wasn’t comfortable doing, for fear it might be counterproductive. Steve kept reassuring and comforting his husband night after night, and the hair stroking became something of a bed-time ritual for them both.

It was glacially slow progress, but it was progress. That was until Sam asked Steve, Nat and Becca if they could stay behind after a visit to Bucky one Saturday.

“Sooooo…..Sam mused. I’ve er…I’ve got something difficult to tell you guys”

Steve’s shoulders shot up in sudden stress.

“We’re grown very concerned about something Bucky’s doing”

“Oh my God, what now?” Becca shuddered

Sam sighed “We discovered it completely by accident. One of the eagle-eyed clinic nurses noticed that Bucky was strolling into the clinic gardens just before each and every physical. She had another member of staff trail him. He was putting stones in his pockets before going in for his check-ups”

“Stones? Why?”

“For his weigh-ins. No-one had noticed before because asking him to undress disturbed him so we’d just taken the normal weight of clothes into account…without accounting for the stones of course” he added, as an afterthought “Bucky always seemed to clear his plate when his meals were brought to him. But it transpires he’s been scraping the contents right down the en suite lavatory. A nurse was posted to check, and she watched him doing it”

“Bucky’s…anorexic?” gasped Nat

“His real weight is disturbingly low” confirmed Sam “You really don’t want to know how low. Chances are he hasn’t eaten anything substantial for several weeks now, and he was already dangerously underweight when he arrived here”

Steve swallowed hard “Bucky…well…he’s done this before”

“What?! When?” demanded Becca

“He told me early on in our relationship that when bad boyfriends took all his choices away, sometimes the only thing he had left that he could control for himself was his weight, so he’d starve himself. It’s…it’s MY FAULT, I’m just another bad boyfriend. He…must….really….HATE….me”

Steve began weeping so bitterly that Nat and even Becca rushed to put their arms round his shoulders in a vain attempt to console him.

When he eventually started to calm down, Sam suggested they sit down and talk the problem through

“I think we need to face the fact that Bucky isn’t thriving in this environment, guys”

“Bullshit” snapped Steve. This clinic’s a fucking palace. I’m the one at fault. Bucky’s clearly terrified of me”

“We don’t know that” said Sam “Bucky’s unresponsive. Anything could be triggering this reaction”

“Well if we don’t know and we can’t ask him, then what the hell can we do?” demanded Becca

Sam rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to formulate a half-decent explanation

“What Steve told us about Bucky’s actions with his previous boyfriends rings true. Typically, anorexia is triggered when an individual can no longer control their environment. Feeling trapped, they grow desperate and blame themselves for the situation they’re in, so they punish themselves by not eating. Bucky’s a classic case I’d say”

“Well thank you for that breath-taking insight Dr. Freud” mocked Nat “Now, would you kindly answer my wife’s fuckin’ question? What the hell can we DO about it?”

“I don’t think Steve sleeping in Bucky’s room can be the cause, as he’s clearly been starving himself for much longer than that. We really do have to look at the bigger picture here guys. Bucky has no control of anything at ALL here”

“How do you mean?” asked Nat

“His entire life is governed by times he didn’t choose: when and how to wake up, exercise, take therapy and sleep. Even the food he’s given, that he’s been dumping down the toilet. Do we even know if he actually likes any of it?”

“He gets a menu card doesn’t he?”

“Yes, but he never fills it in”

“Look” said Nat firmly “Granted, Bucky isn’t in control of the situation, but it’s not our fault if he’s actively refusing to choose from the options he’s given”

Sam drummed his fingers together in thought

“Okay, let me come at this from another angle. I take it we’re all adults here, yes?”

Becca arched an eyebrow at him

“Riiiight.” Sam drawled “I wouldn’t be shocking or offending anyone to observe that you brother is more of the passive partner in his relationship with Steve?”

“That’s a little unfair” protested Steve

“I know, Steve, we’ve been through this already. Bucky does help you with making decisions, and you love him very much and support him, but taking charge isn’t his natural inclination, am I right?”

Steve nodded begrudgingly

“In this clinic, the only decision you’re making that you’ve asked Bucky about is sleeping in his room”

“And having permission to stroke his hair before bed” added Steve, immediately blushing as he realised he hadn’t shared that with anyone else before. Nat gave him a “caught you red handed” look that make him blush all the more

“Either way, that’s not a lot of choices we can say Bucky’s got even a partial control over. And that’s why I’d counsel you not to take a knee-jerk reaction and leave Bucky’s room, Steve. It may be the only thing he has left that’s keeping him stable right now”

“But it’s not enough” protested Becca “Bucky won’t stop starving himself just for a nightly head-rub”

“That’s true. He needs to be involved in making many more decisions, and whilst his lack of communication makes that difficult, it’s pretty clear that any decision Steve makes with his consent is a better choice than those arbitrarily made by the clinic staff”

Steve scratched the back of his neck and turned to Nat “I think I may just have thought of an idea, but for it to work I’ll need to have a very serious talk with the Human Resources manager of Stark Corporation”

“Oh, so NOW you get all professional on me, Rogers?” teased Nat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I have studies coming up starting the end of next week, so I'm going to have to slow down posting for the rest of this story a little, sorry about that.


	10. Chapter 10

Driving on the motorway was a simple enough proposition. Steve knew he shouldn’t think that way about speeding hunks of metal holding precious human life, but he couldn’t help feeling it was like playing a car racing video game or – given the sheer number of roadworks blocking the lanes – a bizarre vehicular version of Tetris. Either way, his mind was busy and entertained.

No, the challenge came when they veered off the motorway, heading down narrower and narrower winding country roads. They seemed to go on forever. Even when he could scent the sea air, he knew they were still a long way off. The roads wrapped themselves around little hamlets and villages like a labyrinth, sometimes pushing you closer to the coast, and sometimes pulling you back inland again. He sorely needed the distraction of his husband to echo his frustrations, or just make light of it, or say something outlandish, or witty, or anything…

But Bucky stared out of the window as if he was someplace else. Steve had to smother the creeping fear inside him that Bucky actually did want to be someplace else. He’d accepted Steve’s suggestion to take a month down at the cottage on the coast they inherited from Dr Erskine with a barely perceptible smile, which in Bucky’s current state probably counted as giddy enthusiasm.

He found all of this so difficult. Nat had been able to swing the extra leave easily enough; hell she and Becca thought it was probably the best idea Steve had had in ages, but it couldn’t have been easy getting that kind of approval through middle management at Stark Tower. And a momentary eighth of an inch tug upwards at the corner of Bucky’s mouth was the best validation he could expect for all the effort.

Of course he knew he was being selfish thinking like this. It’s just that, before he dropped that bombshell on his husband, Bucky had reacted, you might actually say over-reacted so very differently about practically everything they did together. Thor was right, Bucky was one giant heart, and to see the remnants of it, slouched grimly in the passenger seat, appearing for all the world to be doing little more than stoically enduring Steve’s presence was almost more than he could bear.

He couldn’t know what was going through his husband’s mind; that was the truth of it. Sam liked to try and explain his best guesses through analogies, and his most recent one appealed to Steve’s business-like mind. Sam had explained that Bucky’s brain was like a damaged computer that had been switched off and on too many times without being able to reboot properly. That Bucky was now operating in an unreactive “safe mode” trying to make sense of an environment with too much stimulus and too many conflicting thoughts. Did Steve love him, like he said now, or did Steve hate him, like he’d said in the recent past? These were damaged codes conflicting inside Bucky’s brain and he was trying to make sense of them all. Though the screen of Bucky’s facial expressions betrayed very little, Sam said, there was probably a lot of whirring and clicking going on in the processor we couldn’t see.

Steve snorted to himself. Well, if Bucky kept staring out of that window at the box hedges whizzing past in every direction along the twists and turns of their country drive, then he’d definitely be getting too much stimulus. Steve had to concentrate on the white line in the middle of the road just to keep from getting dizzy himself.

Eventually, the labyrinth gave way to a spectacular view of the sea. Before them loomed the jagged headland where Bucky’s favourite lighthouse stood proudly before them, the beacon used to guide stranded ships home. Steve just hoped it would guide his husband safely back to him too. Unable to resist, Steve sneaked a brief glimpse to the side. Bucky was smiling, actually smiling. After so long, this was like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for Steve. It was worth every piece of personnel management paperwork he and Nat had needed to go through for the leave clearance just to see that single golden smile lighting up Bucky’s sweet face.

Bucky’s smile was glorious, but all too brief. And he maintained his silence. That evening, Steve cooked a simple supper, turning on the radio just for the company. He immediately found himself smack bang in the middle of an episode of “The Archers” He laughed out loud. He hadn’t listened to that show in weeks, not since he started to sink into his own depression. Now he couldn’t work out what was going on at all, though truth be told, he was multitasking: listening, cooking, and watching Bucky who had just scrambled to his feet and was gasping like an excited child as the lighthouse began to cast its powerful beam out to sea. Steve forgot everything else, dropping his spatula in the pan with a metallic clunk, and committed every fresh facial expression from Bucky to that secret scrapbook of precious memories in his heart.

“You remember being here last year, Buck?”

Bucky didn’t turn away from the window, but Steve could tell he was listening

“You really liked that lighthouse. Can you remember the evening we watched it together the first time? I told you we’d got the adoption papers for the kids. It was your dream to have a big loving family wasn’t it?”

Bucky turned to Steve. There were tears in his eyes.

“Oh Baby, having a family with you is the deepest joy in the world for me. You’re the world’s greatest mum for them. We all love you so much”

Bucky’s forehead wrinkled, as if he was trying to make sense of things. Steve swore he could hear the whirring and clicking going on in Bucky’s “processor”, just like Sam had said.

Although he didn’t say anything, Bucky gave a small tentative nod. Steve was on cloud nine just to witness his husband begin to piece together some of his memory at last.

That moment of clarity, if that’s what it was, lasted barely a minute. Steve walked over to hold Bucky’s hand and he smiled so brightly…and then the clouds pushed back and his expression grew blank once more.

Steve had prepared a simple bowl of stew with bread and butter for their first evening. This was the first time he’d given Bucky food. In truth, it wasn’t easy. Bucky didn’t feed himself unless Steve prompted him to put the spoon in his mouth and chew a piece of bread. He arranged a few chocolate digestives on a plate for Bucky to take with his tea, but he just eyed the biscuits with deep suspicion and Steve couldn’t bring himself to make Bucky eat any more.

This was going to be a struggle, but Steve was ready to meet the challenge. He’d helped Bucky through eating difficulties before, and he could be as patient as Bucky was stubborn.

Rather than opting for the master bedroom with the double bed, as he had done last year, Steve unpacked their clothes in the big family room. There were two twin beds, plus two bunk beds, all ready for the kids. He’d hoped that this would remind Bucky that he was part of a big family. Bucky allowed himself to be steered into the room at bedtime and undressed himself mechanically. He stood in front of the twin beds and yawned.

“You tired, Baby?”

Again, Bucky managed a small nod, but he didn’t get into bed

Steve paused. Something occurred to him. Bucky was waiting for guidance.

“Which bed do you want to sleep in, Buck?”

Bucky looked uncertain. He bit his bottom lip like just his sister did when she was trying to think. Suddenly a strangled sound of distress escaped him. Steve flinched to hear it. When Bucky turned back to him, the blood was seeping down his chin.

He’d bitten halfway through his lip.

“Oh God, Baby!”

Steve took Bucky’s hand and led him to the bathroom, where he washed the bite mark with water and antiseptic solution. Bucky sat on the toilet seat, and accepted Steve’s treatment without complaint. He didn’t even flinch, and Steve knew that it must have stung very badly.

“I’m sorry, Baby” soothed Steve “I didn’t want you to hurt yourself. I just wanted you to be happy”

Bucky lowered his eyes to the bathroom tiles, a look of deep shame and disgrace coloured his expression. Steve felt terrible. He’d pushed Bucky too far, trying to make him choose something without his help. It might not have seemed that much of a decision to others, but for Bucky it was clearly an insurmountable hurdle at this stage in his recovery.

Leading Bucky back into the bedroom, he guided him to the bed nearest the window, so that Bucky could watch the lighthouse.

“There, comfy now?”

Bucky didn’t respond

“Would you like me to stroke your hair tonight, sweetheart?”

Bucky’s eyebrows raised. Steve knew that was a signal of anticipated pleasure. He took special care to stroke Bucky’s soft hair extra gently that night, and double the loving reassurances. He didn’t want the bed incident to damage the progress he’d already seen, plus – and why should he not admit it? – He liked stroking Bucky’s hair; a lot.

 

-*-

 

 

The next day was dry and sunny, if not exactly warm. The British weather being noted for its changeability, Steve thought it might be a good idea to get outdoors while the going was good.

During a brief stroll along the beach, Bucky’s attention was caught by a plaintive sound coming from the fields at the top of the hill behind the dunes.

“What is it, Buck?”

Bucky furrowed his brow again, and then glanced at Steve

“You want to know where the sound’s coming from?”

Bucky nodded

“Okay, let’s go” Steve held out his hand for Bucky to take and together they headed over the dunes.

At the side of the hill, they saw a calf with her mother by her side. The calf appeared to be badly caught up in a barbed wire fence and was calling out in distress. The mother looked frantic.

“I think we’d better find out where the farmer is” suggested Steve, surveying the distant fields “He needs to free that poor…”

He looked back to see Bucky approaching the calf. He must have run over there to reach her so quickly. For a moment, Steve’s heart caught in his mouth. Cows had been known to trample people who caused distress to their young, but – to his relief – the cow stood watching his husband with what could only be described as a look of trust in her big soulful eyes.

“Hang on, Bucky, I’ll go find the farmer” Steve shouted over. Bucky nodded.

The Giles’ farmhouse wasn’t very far away, but Mr Giles was in town buying supplies. His wife agreed to take a look at the calf, loading some wire cutting tools onto her quad bike and letting Steve direct her to the particular hill as a pillion passenger.

It was only when she reached the cows and cut off the noisy engine that Steve heard it.

Bucky was singing soothingly to the calf. His arms were round the calf’s neck, gently cradling her, whilst her mother mooed softly. Neither animal looked in the least bit distressed. Sensing it was better to leave them that way, Mrs Giles snipped the wire away where the calf lay and gently prized away those pieces that were caught in her flesh, spraying an analgesic/antiseptic spray directly to the wounds. Bucky gently released the calf from his embrace, and together the calf and mother strolled away peaceably to graze as if nothing had happened.

“I can’t thank you enough for staying with them” said Mrs Giles to Bucky “She was badly caught and I’ve seen calves do horrendous damage to themselves by struggling. You must have a way with animals”

“And children” added Steve “We’ve got three kids”

“Oh I see” Mrs Giles blushed a little “You must be the Rogers family. You inherited the little shore cottage from Dr Erskine didn’t you?”

“That’s right, ma’am” responded Steve, politely

“Well, thank you again for what you did. It was very good of you. I’ll get my husband to check up on the animals when he’s back from town to make sure they’re okay”

 

As they headed back along the dunes, Steve placed his arm round Bucky’s shoulder. He was so proud of his husband, that he forgot that he hadn’t held Bucky as intimately as that yet. He needn’t have worried. Bucky leaned into Steve’s body and sighed.

“You okay, Baby?

Steve felt Bucky’s head nod against his shoulder blade

“What were you singing to the calf?”

He felt the sound from Bucky’s voicebox buzzing against his shoulder before he even heard it:

_“Hush, little baby, don't say a word,_

_Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird._

_And if that mockingbird don't sing,_

_Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring_

_And if that diamond ring turns brass,_

_Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass._

_And if that looking glass gets broke,_

_Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat”_

His voice was weak and scratchy, but it was the most beautiful sound Steve thought he’d ever heard

Bucky looked up at Steve

“But that was a baby cow, not a baby goat” he whispered in Steve’s ear

Steve thought he’d died and gone to heaven. It took him all of his strength not to leap up and punch the air. Instead, he said

“I know, sweetheart. You did a very good thing there”

 “Babies shouldn’t get hurt” said Bucky sadly

“You’re right, and you saved that baby, didn’t you”

Bucky blushed the most adorable blush, and lapsed into a comfortable silence as they walked back down to the beach, hand in hand.


	11. Chapter 11

Bucky stayed pretty quiet for the rest of the afternoon, but while Steve was cooking dinner, he suddenly asked

“What did I do wrong, Stevie?”

“Wrong?”

“I did something really bad, didn’t I?”

Steve gulped.

“What do you remember, Baby?”

Bucky started to bite his lip, but hissed with the pain. But even that was a good sign for Steve; it meant he was taking care of himself just a little.

“I don’t know. Everything’s hazy. I was trapped and being hurt all the time. You weren’t there. You weren’t ever coming back. I tried to kill myself. I must have been really bad.”

Steve thought his heart would break.

He turned off the stove and took a seat beside Bucky on the sofa, turning to face him.

“No, Baby. You did nothing bad, nothing bad at all. This is going to be really painful to hear, but I think it will help you understand and to get better too,” He sighed.

“You remember what happened when you were little, right?”

Bucky nodded sadly.

“And the same thing happened to me.”

“Yeah. You were hurt by your dad too.”

“Well, when I was being hurt, I had a best friend and I didn’t understand how to be nice to him, because I couldn’t tell the difference between what my dad did to me and what I should do to a friend. I touched him in places I shouldn’t, and I felt so ashamed. He was really angry with me and I don’t blame him. I was wrong. I buried all those feelings because my dad was still doing bad things to me, but our son Leo ended up doing something similar recently.”

“Is he…is he all right?”

Steve smiled. Bucky got it. Bucky understood immediately the priority was Leo, not Steve's personal feelings. Steve thought it was such a pity he didn’t share Bucky’s instincts.

“Leo’s fine, Baby. He didn’t do what he did for the same reasons as me. It was just him growing up, and I’m pretty sure everything’s going to be okay. But at the time, I thought I’d made Leo do what he did because I was wicked or diseased from what my dad did to me.”

“But…that’s wrong,” protested Bucky.

“I know, sweetheart, I know. I couldn’t see it. You were really busy doing a special job for our boss and I didn’t want to make things difficult for you, so I kept all my bad feelings bottled up inside, until I couldn’t contain them anymore.”

“But nothing’s more important to me than you and the family, Stevie.”

Steve had never felt such a rollercoaster of emotions in his life. Bucky’s philosophy was clear, and beautiful and true. He’d lost none of his heart; his loving kindness, but  Steve was going to have to admit to the shame of his actions.

“You are so right Bucky. But I’d made myself sick. Like a wounded animal I needed to be alone. You wouldn’t let me be alone, you wanted to save me, to heal me…and…I did something I shall NEVER forgive myself for, as long as I live”

Bucky looked at Steve fearfully. Steve was close to bolting out of the door, but that wouldn’t solve anything. Bucky deserved the truth and if it didn’t come from him, then it would come from others. If Bucky was going to tell him that he didn’t deserve his love anymore after what he’d done, he’d rather hear it now than from Nat, or Becca, or worse still in some divorce court custody over the children.

“Bucky. I told you a big lie. I told you something so untrue it’s the opposite of what I believe. I told you,” He gulped. “I told you I didn’t love you anymore.”

“Is it because I did something you didn’t want me to?”

“Huh?”

Steve was expecting anger, tears, bitterness, even a slap to the face. But he wasn’t expecting this.

“I don’t understand, Baby.”

“I remember doing something you didn’t want me to. Something to do with a job I was doing?”

“Oh no, oh GOD no, honey. You were working on a very special job and helping people to make a new kind of metal. It didn’t work out, but that wasn’t your fault at all. You did everything right.”

“But you didn’t want me to?”

Steve swallowed. “I was scared you’d get hurt. I was wrong there too. You did really well; you made me proud, Baby.”

“Then why do I feel like this?” Bucky wailed.

“Like what?” Steve asked gently.

“Like I’m really bad," cried Bucky.

Gently, Steve laced his arm around Bucky’s shoulder and drew him close.

“You’re not really bad, Bucky. You were taken by some bad people who wanted to know what the metal was made of and they hurt you. What made it worse was you thought I didn’t love you anymore, because I’d told you that vicious hateful lie. And I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t even find you. They were really bad for hurting you. I was really bad for telling you that lie. But you were nothing but good. God knows, Buck, you’re the most wonderful person in the world.”

“I can’t…” gasped Bucky, the words stuck in his throat.

“You can’t what, sweetheart?”

“I can’t…I can’t trust myself to do things right. I knew I’d done something wrong that you didn’t like. So, it’s safer if I don’t do anything.”

And just like that, the pieces clicked precisely into place for Steve. Suddenly he could see where the codes in Bucky’s processor were conflicting. Speaking and choosing were frightening to him, because he thought that they would hurt Steve. It was heart wrenching to see how selfless his breakdown had been.

“Bucky, I love you and nothing you say or do has ever hurt me. I was the one who said and did bad things that hurt you.”

“But you’re my shield and protector. I feel safer with you to help me choose.”

“I know Bucky, sweetheart. I know you prefer it if I choose things for us. And that’s okay. I really want you help me to make our choices of course, but I’ll happily take the lead if that’s what you want. I love you and I want you to be so happy.”

Steve thought of how to put things into words that would make sense to Bucky.

“When you started working for Tony, you had to tell other people what to do. You’d not done that before, so I was scared for you, so me and Tony helped you with lots of advice. You did a really good job, even though it wasn’t something you’d normally want to do. I’m so proud of you for doing it.”

“So, what went wrong?” Bucky persisted.

Steve sighed “You hired and managed twelve members of staff to help you. And they were all great; they all worked really hard for you. But Tony hired one member of staff and he turned out to be very bad. He betrayed you and you were kidnapped. Do you remember the kidnap?”

Bucky shook his head.

“Well, when they were trying to take you, Leo was there and one of them tried to shoot Leo. You threw yourself in the path of the bullet to save him.”

Bucky gasped

“Now does that sound like the actions of a bad person?”

“Is Leo okay?”

Steve couldn’t believe he was so lucky. Here he was, trying to explain why Bucky was a good person, and all Bucky could think about was their kids. Bucky really was just one enormous beating heart.

“Leo is fine. You saved his life; you’re a hero, Baby.”

Bucky scrunched up his eyes.

“This is all so much to take in. I feel so bad. Why do I feel so bad?”

“The lie I told you and the painful things those bad people did to you made you very ill, Buck. You’ve been in hospital. Me and Nat and Becca and the kids…well, we’ve been trying to get you better. You’ve been poorly for a long time and when that happens, you can feel very bad. But you’ll get better now. I’ll help you get better”

“You won’t leave me?” swallowed Bucky.

“No…no sweetheart. I’m never going to leave you,” Steve assured him firmly. “I did that once because I was a selfish asshole and I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done. I’ll never do that again, I promise you.”

“I remember you stroking my hair,” whispered Bucky. “That felt nice.”

Steve grinned. “We can do much more of that, every night of your life if that’s what you’d like.”

Bucky nodded and beamed “Stevie. Did I just…make…my first decision?”

Steve chuckled gently. “I believe you just did, Baby.”

 

-*-

 

 

The next morning, Steve answered the door to Mrs Giles.

“Good morning, boys,” she breezed. “I was wondering if I could ask if you and Bucky have had your breakfasts yet?”

Steve scratched the back of his head. “Actually, Mrs Giles, we haven’t. I’m afraid we’re rather late sleepers when we’re on holiday.”

“Excellent! I hope you won’t consider this too forward, but Mr Giles and I were wondering if you’d like to join us for breakfast this morning. I’m cooking a full English.”

At this point, Bucky joined him at the door. He was still looking a little groggy after his lie-in and he was suffering from the most terrible bed-head. Either that, or Steve had over-done it with the hair stroking the night before. Probably both.

“We’d be delighted to join you, Mrs Giles,” smiled Bucky, warmly.

“That’s great. See you in about an hour then?”

Mrs Giles mounted her quad bike and was away in a roar of engines and oily two-stroke engine fumes.

“You sure ‘bout this Buck? I mean, a full English breakfast is pretty filling.”

Bucky chewed his lip, then stopped abruptly. He was learning.

“I’ll eat what I can,” he shrugged. “They’re neighbours and we can’t pass up the chance to be neighbourly”

Steve’s heart swelled with pride.

As Steve suspected, Mrs Giles was a dizzying whirl of activity in the kitchen. He’d never seen so much bacon, fried egg, sausage and black pudding served up in one sitting. Mr Giles was a jolly ruddy-faced man with a round belly; hardly surprising if his wife treated him to such delicacies on a regular basis.

“I never got the chance to thank you both for looking after my new calf,” he said “We pride ourselves on the quality of our dairy cattle, but she’s a rare breed Guernsey and the pride of our herd.”

“How is she?” asked Bucky.

“Mum and calf are doing fine, now,” said Mrs Giles, pushing another pile of sausages into the centre of the table. Steve was happy that she was serving most of the food up in this manner. Mr Giles was happy to take the lion’s share and Bucky’s relatively modest intake wasn’t attracting any attention.

“Would you like to see them after breakfast?” Mr Giles asked.

“That would be terrific,” beamed Bucky. Then he started to laugh.

“What is it, Buck?” asked Steve, bemused

“I was just thinking, Steve. You’re the closest you’ve ever been to living out your dream!”

Steve blushed.

“He’s a big fan of “The Archers,” Bucky confided to Mrs Giles. “He finally gets to play at being a farmer.”

Steve turned a florid shade of pink and everyone laughed.

 

-*-

 

Shortly after, Steve and Bucky found themselves in a cattle shed, wearing borrowed wellington boots and up to his ankles in slurry. “Still want to be a farmer, Steve?” mocked Bucky shamelessly.

“You be careful I don’t trip you up in this muck, James Buchanan Rogers,” warned Steve, with an impish grin on his face.

“What are you two chuntering on about?” Mr Giles shouted from over the other side of the shed. “Come over here”

Steve and Bucky dutifully slopped their way out of the slurry and into the drier part of the shed. The Guernsey cow and calf were stood in a tidy enclosure lazily chewing their way through a hay bale, apparently none the worse for wear.

When the calf saw Bucky, she walked up to the gate and gave a friendly moo. Bucky looked over and Mr Giles duly nodded his permission.

While Bucky petted the calf, Mr Giles said to Steve. “I hear your husband’s been poorly?”

“News travels fast round here” said Steve

“It’s okay, Steve, we’re all friends here. When my wife lost her young ‘un she was inconsolable for months. I appreciate it’s not quite the same thing, but pain is pain when all’s said and done. And look at her now, or rather look at me and my waistline now,” he chuckled.

“It’s very kind of you to think of us like this,” said Steve. “And to invite us for such a magnificent breakfast.”

“The least we could do,” he smiled. “You want to know what the most is?”

Steve furrowed his brow.

“Hey Bucky, I want to ask you a question”

“What is it, Mr Giles?”

“I was wondering how you’d feel about us naming that calf after you?”

Bucky gasped.

“Being a pure bred she has to be registered with a fancy name, so it would just be a part of that name, but we’d call her Bucky on the farm.”

“I didn’t think you named cattle?” asked Steve

“Not ordinary livestock, it’s true, but rare breed dairy cattle aren’t destined for anyone’s dinner table. She’s going to be around for a long time, and have lots of calves of her own, God willing.”

Bucky’s grin was something to behold. He was overjoyed with happiness. Steve could see the sparkles dancing in his eyes. “Good, that’s settled then,” said Mr Giles. “Let’s get back to the farmhouse before you city boys blunder into a silage pit, because I’m not fishing either of you out, not after such a good breakfast anyways!”

As they were saying their goodbyes, Mrs Giles handed Bucky a large brown paper bag.

“A little something from our garden, as an extra thank you,” she winked.

Bucky opened the bag and broke into a peal of laughter “How did you know?” he grinned

“A little bird told me “quipped Mrs Giles.

Steve might just have seen the laden plum tree in their garden at breakfast and mentioned it to Mrs Giles as her husband was helping Bucky to pull his boots on.


	12. Chapter 12

That night, after Steve got brushed his teeth to get ready for bed, he found Bucky was missing from the bedroom. Panic set in after Steve headed downstairs only to find it empty too.

“Bucky?” he yelled, trying to maintain his nerve,

“I’m up here,” Bucky yelled back.

Steve dashed back up the stairs, but again the bedroom and the bathroom were empty. Then, he headed further along the landing and checked the master bedroom Bucky was lying in bed with a shy grin on his face.

“Is this okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“Okay?” questioned Steve “Why, it’s more than okay, Baby. I…just didn’t want to get my hopes up too much.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” Bucky smiled, shyly “It might just come true.”

Steve climbed in beside his husband carefully, appreciating how special it was to share this intimacy once more. He started with the customary hair stroking, but when it was time for bed, Bucky whispered in his ear.

“I’d love it if you were big spoon for me, Stevie.”

The relief to just hold  his Bucky in his arms all night was so special to Steve that he spent an hour just listening to Bucky’s gentle breathing and soft snores, before he drifted off to sleep himself.

From then on, activities like walking and chatting, to get re-acquainted with their minds, were joined by make-out sessions on the sofa and in the bedroom as they tentatively explored each other’s bodies. Steve was careful not to become too intimate in the genital area, to prevent either of them getting flashbacks from their traumatic pasts, but Bucky seemed genuinely open to just being in the moment with his husband once more, and wasn’t even nervous, as he had been in the past, about Steve seeing his naked, still painfully thin torso and the scar tissue where his arm and shoulder had been.

The following Friday morning, Bucky was lying in bed, Steve planting hot wet kisses on his old scars, assuring him he was beautiful everywhere, when he said.

“Stevie, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, Baby, ask anything you want.”

“It’s not an easy question.”

“Doesn’t matter. Nothing scares me, sweetheart.”

Bucky sucked on his now healed lower lip a little.

“Why were you worried about what you did to your friend when you were at school?”

Steve considered the question carefully. “Well, I guess because exploring bodies is something my dad started out doing before he moved on to things that hurt me. I didn’t mind the exploring bodies bit so much, but now I realise he did it because he knew my body would betray me and he’d say I enjoyed it, so if I enjoyed that I should enjoy the other stuff. I didn’t realise exploring someone’s body is an intimate act, and not just something friends did to each other until I really upset my friend. And, of course, by then, it was too late.”

“But we explore each other’s bodies, right?”

“Yes, but we’re in love, we’re grown-ups and we know what we’re doing. Everything we do is good and gentle and loving and kind. It isn’t exploiting like your dad did to you and my dad did to me, and it isn’t inadvertent blundering like the stuff I did to my friend.”

“And what about the things your dad did to you?”

“Only he did those things,” Steve said, darkly “That’s different. That’s all bad, Baby”

“I feel the same way,” agreed Bucky. “Or at least I did…”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I’d guess that “making love” can also be, as you say, good and gentle and loving and kind for some people, probably most people, but they have a luxury neither of us has ever had.”

“Which is?”

“Trust,” Bucky said, simply “We had our trust betrayed at an age when we couldn’t understand what was going on, let alone resist. That’s why you made the mistake you did with your friend; you were too young to understand.”

Steve looked up at the ceiling, his arm round Bucky’s shoulder combing his fingers through his husband’s hair. “Huh. I guess you’re right. You’re pretty smart, Buck.”

“Makes a better librarian of me,” murmured Bucky. “But the thing is, Stevie, I believe you when you say you love me and you’ll never hurt me or leave me again.”

“Then you’re a wise librarian,” smiled Steve.

“And if I believe you, then I trust you…and Stevie I do trust you. I trust you with my life, and I trust you with my body.”

“What are you saying, Baby?”

“I’m…I’m saying I’d like you to make love to me, Stevie.”

Steve’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He gulped nervously. “I’m not sure about that, Buck. I’ve never done it before. What if either of us has a flashback? What if I bungle it?”

“I wouldn’t ask you to anything you weren’t comfortable doing,” Bucky soothed gently. “But please believe me when I say that you can’t bungle it. I love you and I trust you, Stevie. It doesn’t matter if it works or if it doesn’t. I just think it would be nice to try, to see if I could give myself to you completely, the way that you deserve.”

 

-*-

 

 

Steve drove to town before lunch. He was going to wait until the afternoon but nearly stressed out over the possibility that the village chemist would close early and not open on the weekend. He wasn’t even sure what to buy, but the lady pharmacist was very kind and patient with him. He returned still feeling nervous but reassured that he’d bought the right products.

When he got home, Bucky had already fixed up a light lunch for them. “I figured you might be a bit preoccupied,” he blushed. “Here, let me.”

He took the bag from Steve and set it aside. Then he sat Steve down and forked some fresh salad into Steve’s mouth. “Chew for me, Stevie,” he smiled.

Steve nearly burst out laughing, but didn’t want to choke on the lettuce leaf. “Am I that bad, Baby?” he asked.

“You’re that good. Only a truly loving husband would be that nervous over making me happy. God, I love you Stevie. Never leave me again, will ya? I’d literally die without you.”

“I’d be torn to pieces first,” whispered Steve, earnestly.

After lunch, Steve insisted on washing up. He noticed the water pressure was a little low when running the tap for the bowl, but was too preoccupied with his own nervous imaginings to give it much thought.

“Stevie!” Bucky called from the bathroom. “Can you give me a hand please?”

Steve headed upstairs. When he opened the door, he got the shock of his life. Bucky had run a bubble bath and sprinkled some rose petals from their garden onto the fragrant water. He lay there all pink, wrinkly and welcoming. “You wanna join me?” he winked.

Steve burst into a fit of giggles, but stripped off in double-quick time to join his husband in the tub. The water was a tad too hot for comfort, but was rapidly cooling, sending Steve into a reverie of soothing relaxation. Bucky took a sponge and gently rubbed Steve’s body all over with it. “I want you to feel special,” he said “I want you to feel special the way you make me feel special, my love.”

Steve leaned into Bucky. “God, Baby, you do nothing but make me feel special,” He swallowed. “It’s just that I feel really scared about this.”

“So do I,” admitted Bucky. “But we’re in a safe place and with the only people in the world we could trust with our intimacy, and our deepest hopes and dreams…and fears,” he added, candidly. “We don’t have to…”

“I know,” said Steve “But you’re right. This is about trust, and I trust you so much, Baby, and want you to know you can trust me. I’m just on edge so much.”

“Is the water helping?”

“Now it’s cooling down some, yeah, it is.”

Bucky continued to sponge Steve down, moving the sponge in lazy swirls over Steve’s back, his chest, his abs, and down his arms and legs. Steve began to loosen up, drifting into a happy place where everything was pure and golden.

Before he even knew it, Bucky was out of the tub, holding up a big bath towel.

“Here we go, Stevie.”

Steve walked into the embrace of Bucky’s towel and let himself by patted down and dried off. It felt so good to be taken care of. Now he understood why Bucky liked him to take charge. It was fun to just let yourself be carried along by the enthusiasm of someone you trusted with everything.

Bucky planted a sweet luxurious kiss on Steve’s mouth, his tongue tentatively entering to caress Steve’s own. Steve moaned gently into the kiss, giving as good as he got, caught up in Bucky’s passion and joy. As they kissed, Bucky led him by the hand out onto the landing and into the master bedroom.

“Wha…now?” asked Steve.

“You’ll be a bag of nerves all day otherwise” counselled Bucky. “I already switched off your smartphone, took the landline off the hook and locked the door. We won’t be disturbed.”

“Looks like you’ve thought of everything.”

Bucky let go of Steve’s hand.

“No,” he said, sombrely “Honestly, I haven’t. I’ve just tried to create the right environment. This is about you, sweetheart. I’ll never force you into anything, or ask you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Steve paused. Bucky was right. He had been the first one to ask. He was the one brave enough to propose it, but deep down Steve had often wondered what it would be like to totally be Bucky’s and for Bucky to totally be his. Yes, he had reservations, but if the man who still loved him after the hateful things he’d said and done, the man who’d taken a bullet for their child didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, then no-one did. He just needed to follow Bucky’s lead and relax into this, instead of turning into that anal-retentive workaholic accountant he’d been before Bucky’s loving presence had melted his cold calculating heart.

“Er…can we make our first?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” purred Bucky.

Over the next hour, Bucky and Steve carefully explored each other’s bodies once more, melding into each other’s deepest intimacies, sharing and feeling each other’s emotions. Steve’s arousal was painfully evident.

“I think someone likes me,” Bucky teased.

“You’re despicable,” chuckled Steve, his laughter ending abruptly as Bucky licked his cock from the root to the tip.

“Jesus,” gasped Steve. “Where the hell did you learn that?”

“You took the chemists’ advice. I took the internet’s advice,” shrugged Bucky.

Steve’s eyes widened as Bucky took Steve’s head into his mouth, suckling gently.

Luckily, oral sex wasn’t an experience that had poisoned either of their childhood memories, and it had the added benefit of both relaxing and further arousing Steve, at the same time.

Bucky went back to kissing Steve deeply and passionately. He whispered in Steve’s ear, “You want to try now, Stevie?”

Steve gulped “I know the mechanics from before, but I know how much it hurt too.”

“You’ll have to open me up, honey,” said Bucky. I think you have something in your bag to make things easier.

“Steve squeezed lubricant onto his fingers”

Bucky nodded and raised his legs onto Steve’s shoulders. “Okay, Stevie. You’ll go gentle and smooth now, okay?”

“As smooth as silk,” drawled Steve in Bucky’s ear as he slowly pushed in one finger.

Now it was Bucky’s turn to be nervous. He willed himself to relax, just to relax. He didn’t think of anything in the past at all, just the present. It was the best way to stay fixed on the look of wonder on Steve’s face.

“Oh Baby, you’re just opening up for me so…so sweetly.”

“Only for you,” sighed Bucky. “You’re the love of my life, Stevie, and this is my choice, our choice, no-one else’s.”

Steve nodded. Bucky was right. The past be damned, he was going to be with his Baby, his Bucky, right here and right now. After several minutes of widening and twisting, Steve figured it was time and gently withdrew.

Bucky smiled up at him. “You want me to…put it on for you?”

“Really?” asked Steve, his eyebrows raised.

“Stevie, your body is part of my body, and mine is part of yours. We share everything.”

“Then I…I guess I’d love you to.”

Bucky unfurled the condom onto Steve as best he could one-handed. It wasn’t exactly a deft motion. And it was his first time after all. Neither of their fathers had bothered themselves with such niceties. All the more reason, Steve figured, to use one with the only person in the world he ever wanted to be intimate with.

The lubricant was a little more successful. Bucky used a gentle rhythm to work Steve up into a frenzy of anticipation. He smiled devilishly up at his husband again.

“You look like a debauched angel,” snorted Steve hoarsely.

“Not yet,” teased Bucky. “But we’ve got plenty of time to work on that. And I mean that too Steve. If this doesn’t work, we’ve already done more than either of us ever dreamed possible. There’s no pressure.”

That was the blessing Steve needed to hear. It released him from the last of his fears. Taking the greatest of care, he pushed his tip at the entrance to Bucky’s quivering sphincter and cautiously eased in.

To Steve, Bucky’s body felt as loving and welcoming inside as it was out. This was no brutal surrender, as he had suffered in the past, this was the act of love and trust that only two people who share the same heartbeat could ever hope to appreciate.

To Bucky, Steve’s body was an extension of his personality; loving, considerate and strong. He felt Steve’s pulse beating inside his own and it finally felt that their two damaged lives were becoming healed and united as one loving, trusting whole.

For a short while, neither of them moved; simply appreciating the joy that being together had brought to them emotionally. Then Steve began to build up a slow, steady rhythm, making absolutely sure that nothing he was doing was causing Bucky pain or distress of any kind.

For several minutes, Steve was dumbstruck by his feelings. “You’re so beautiful,” were the first words that passed his lips as he began to pick up the pace. Bucky couldn’t even manage that. He’d imagined that his mouth would be full of high flown sentiment when the time came but – in the end – there were no words in the dictionary to describe the magical wonderment he felt as Steve began massaging his erection to the rhythm of his own urgent strokes.

“Bucky!” Steve cried out, orgasm shuddering through his body. Steve hadn’t realised he was about to climax until it was too late. He just saw how happy Bucky was and couldn’t contain himself a moment longer. Bucky’s climax followed seconds later, triggered by the intensity of their emotions. In the annals of romantic fiction, this was a tame and clumsy effort. In the annals of Steve and Bucky, this was the very acme of joy, the crowning achievement of loving trust, after decades of fear and sadness, the terrible imaginings that had held them back were finally laid to rest, and the relief was far beyond description.

Steve collapsed onto Bucky, gasping like a landed fish. Everything felt so vivid, so bold, so new that he had difficulty taking his surroundings in. Instinctively, Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve’s back and massaged slow circular movements into his skin. “Shhhh…I’m here honey,” he whispered in Steve’s ear. “I love you, my Stevie…I love you, I love you.”

Bucky’s gentle reassurances brought Steve back to earth, but the ride down was so wonderful, seeing the world through Bucky’s body for the first time. He poured his efforts into kissing Bucky as deeply and fervently as he possibly could. After several minutes, he withdrew, fearful that the condom might come loose otherwise. Bucky frowned a little

“What’s wrong, Baby?”

Bucky sniggered shyly. “This is gonna sound so sappy.”

“Go on?”

“It’s just…it’s just I really enjoyed having you inside me. I kinda miss you now that you’ve gone.”

“Hey, darling. I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours forever. And just to prove it…”

Steve angled Bucky onto his side in “little spoon” position, one arm circling Bucky to hold his hand, their heads snuggled together on a single pillow. Bucky could feel Steve’s breath all hot and passionate on the back of his neck. Then Steve used his other arm to help angle himself back inside Bucky’s welcoming body

“Now I’m sorry if you feel a little disappointed. It’s a shadow of its former self,” Steve giggled, but I’m here for you, Baby.”

“May we rest like this for a while?”

“Of course, my love. I think we’ve both earned a rest after that,” he smiled.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, Stevie?”

“Are you happy?”

“The happiest.”

Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand tight, and Steve shifted his other hand to start stroking Bucky’s hair.

“Are you happy, Stevie?”

“I can’t even describe how I feel,” confessed Steve “But if I could make up a word, then the dictionary entry would be a picture of the two of us…just…like…this.” He planted a fervent kiss on Bucky’s neck and settled down into warm glow of their shared ecstasy.


	13. Chapter 13

The dictionary and the thesaurus were consigned to the waste basket. Bucky had thought he’d start spouting off lines from bad romance novels he’d sneaked a read of in the public library during those numb years of post-abuse, when he’d felt ashamed and unfulfilled and so desperately lonely, but that high-flown sentiment never took off; it was dull and lifeless compared to the kaleidoscope of undiscovered allure he found in this new intimacy with Steve. They both had a steep learning curve to climb when it came to love-making, but neither seemed to mind stumbling a bit; in fact it only added to the charm and the wonder of shared discovery.

Steve found the entire experience breath-taking and totally unexpected. The orderly business-like side of him baulked at the sheer messiness of it all. Their love-making didn’t obey a clock, or a hierarchy or any other set of rules, and perhaps that was for the best. But he was glad to be able to confide in Nat when she called a few days later.

“Wait a minute,” chortled Nat. “I think I’d better get Becca on the line so you can personally tell her you’ve deflowered her big brother”

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare, Barnes-Romanov,” Steve growled back mockingly before adding, with a wistful sigh. “If anything it was the other way around.”

Nat snorted a little down the line. “Sometimes that happens,” she said. “It’s not unusual for the partner who’s active in the boardroom to be altogether more passive in the bedroom.”

“It wasn’t quite like that either,” Steve reasoned. “I’d say we’re enjoying this equally. I love making love to Bucky and he loves me making love to him, but…yeah…he tends to initiate things a bit more.”

“Oh my!” gasped Nat over-dramatically. “That’s even better than the de-flowering revelation. Wait till I tell Becca her brother’s turned into an insatiable power-bottom!”

Steve gasped and turned bright red. He was just thankful that Bucky was a good half mile away, petting his bovine namesake and no doubt charming his way to a fresh bag of plums.

“Seriously though, it doesn’t matter what positions you prefer,” said Nat. “That’s the joy of same-sex love-making, Rogers, it’s what’s inside that counts. You lost that bug up your ass when you married him, so don’t start getting all worried about chains of command here. Who knows, and – quite frankly – who cares? Anyway, maybe this if finally a way Bucky can feel he’s able to take a few decisions of his own now.”

“Well, I’m more than happy with that arrangement,” Steve smiled to himself. “I’m so deeply and desperately in love, Nat. It’s like I’m married all over again.”

Nat sighed. “You’ve found yourselves, Steve. Bucky was lost to you, and you were lost to Bucky, and now you’re back together you won’t ever want to lose that again. It’s the best feeling in the world, I’m sure of it.”

“I just wish there was some way of proving that to Bucky; of absolutely assuring him that this love is never going to end. I really feel I owe that to him, after what I put him through.”

“Well, maybe there is,” mused Nat.

 

-*-

 

All too soon the bedroom faded away and Steve and Bucky were sitting back in the boardroom once more. Tony delayed his monthly update meeting just long enough for them to attend on the drive back home from the shore cottage. Of course, this meant they were still hopelessly wrapped up in the shared grin of a post-coital glow the entire time, but no-one seemed to notice, or at least to mind.

“I’m very pleased to report that Stark Tower renovations are impressively ahead of schedule,” Tony began. “The structural engineers have confirmed that no additional reinforcement of the basement levels was required, as the force of the explosion on the fortieth floor library seems to have been concentrated in an upwards and outwards direction.” Tony emphasised this with such a bizarre hand waggling gesture that Steve struggled to keep a straight face. Bucky hadn’t just killed that bug up his ass; he’d danced on the poor insect’s grave.

“Well at least that will reduce the costs to the insurer,” smiled Nat. “Hopefully our premiums shouldn’t go up quite as much.”

“I wouldn’t count on that, Mrs Barnes-Romanov,” Tony replied “If I know insurers, they’ll still find a way to get their pound of flesh. Money-men are a bunch of sharks…present company excepted.” he added, smirking at Steve.

“Anyway, it doesn’t really matter now,” he continued. “It looks like Project Bucky has paid off after all.”

“But…I failed, sir,” said Bucky, sadly.

“No, Bucky, you didn’t fail. Banner did. You did some incredible research work, and you led and inspired your team more than you could possibly know. After you’d left, they investigated your original findings, and removed the dangerous catalyst Banner had introduced. They even successfully applied for the patent for this alloy, providing it with a unique name to honour their manager. It turns out that Buckanium has a unique antiseptic quality and healing property, making it ideal for creating prosthetics for external limb amputations. Though medical sales aren’t likely to be particularly impressive on a financial level, they’ll change a lot of lives for the better and the profits should more than pay your project’s development and running costs, and – if handled responsibly – may address a sizeable portion of the shortfall on the Stark Tower renovation.”

“But where do we find the rest of the funding, Mr Stark?” asked Nat.

“Ah…well,” Tony beamed a self-satisfied grin. “Turns out that the mess that Banner made wasn’t entirely unsalvageable either. On a short-term basis, the material had created has a strength and malleability that makes it ideal for military purposes. Bucky’s team were able to neutralise the unstable elements to the point where any item we create will maintain structural integrity for around a month, after which time it will simply disintegrate, rather than spontaneously combusting, as it had in the past.”

“You’re going to sell out to the military?” Nat gasped, in disbelief.

“What do you take me for? A war profiteer?” Tony huffed. “My new business partner, Mr Wayne has his own, shall we say “private” uses for such a material. He’ll keep the formula immaculately safe, and it will be put to use for the benefit of mankind, not its destruction. Besides,” he added. “Mr Wayne is obscenely rich. Suffice it to say, we won’t need to worry about cash-flow problems ever again!”

Steve grinned. To him, happiness was a warm Bucky, but a healthy balance-book came in a close second.

“Before I call this meeting to a close,” said Tony. “I’d like to publically pay tribute to the hard work, perseverance and courage of our colleagues Steve and Bucky Rogers, and to those colleagues (he looked pointedly at Nat) who supported them during their trials. Not only did they work tirelessly to get us out of this financial hole, they did so at great personal risk to their own lives and livelihoods.  

Steve, I’d like to take on the role of managing the Buckanium project and its staff from now on. That means a higher pay grade together with an additional budget for unavoidable expense claims.”

“Unexpected?” queried Steve.

“You’ll probably find it necessary to place a bulk order for deodorant on behalf of your stinky science nerds,” sniggered Tony, in a stage whisper. “Additionally, we’ll make sure you get a corner office nearly – but not quite - as fancy as Mrs Barnes-Romanov’s and a company Jaguar.

“But I like my car.”

“Then you’ve got no taste,” sneered Tony. “There’s a point where shabby chic becomes shitty chic. You trundled past that in your old jalopy years ago.”

“What did I tell you? He never listens to me, sir,” joked Bucky.

“Well it’s time for you to listen up too, Bucky,” Tony continued. “Because I’ve something to give you,” He handed Bucky an envelope. “Inside are the marks from his final term of your studies. You’ve passed his librarianship qualifications with flying colours.”

“This is wonderful news, sir,” Bucky smiled, showing the results to an excited and very proud Steve.

“And excellent timing of course. You see, when the new library is finished, we’re going to need a new librarian.”

“Surely you can’t mean me sir?”

“Why not? You’re qualified now.”

“Yes, but I’d have to line manage an assistant.”

“So? You line managed an entire team and pretty much saved the company financially in the process.”

“But at great personal cost” said Bucky, sadly. “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going…

“But you’re going to have to accept,” interrupted Tony. “That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?”

Steve was trying to keep his temper under control, but inside his irritation was growing. Tony was making Bucky do what he didn’t want to. He wasn’t going to let this cycle of exploitation begin again. Before he could so much as snap the pencil he was bending, however, Bucky’s exasperated expression suddenly softened. Following his husband’s line of sight, he caught a glimpse of Becca wearing a surprisingly sober-looking business suit.

“Bucky, I want you to meet your new assistant.”

“Sis?” gasped Bucky.

“Normally, of course, I wouldn’t’ dream of countermanding managers by appointing their own staff for them,” said Tony, shooting Steve a wicked grin. “But in this case, I made an exception. With Mrs Barnes-Romanov’s wife having recently been made redundant from her previous employment, I thought it might be appropriate to appoint someone who Bucky could definitely get along with.”

“You know,” said Steve to his elated husband. “Normally I’d advise you to raise formal objections to someone else appointing an assistant for you. But bearing in mind Odinson appointed you for me, I’m not sure my advice is worth a damn anymore.”

“All the same,” sniffed Bucky in mock haughtiness. “I’m not sure she’s quite up to my standards, do you?”

Becca shot her brother the filthiest look imaginable.

“You’ve got exactly ten seconds to withdraw that remark, of I’m gonna punch your goddamn lights out…boss!”

Bucky spluttered as Steve fought to keep his own sides from splitting.

 

-*-

 

 “So,” mused Steve “A calf and a metallic element named after you, and now a sister for an assistant. What more could you wish for?”

Bucky chuckled, slipping into Steve’s tight embrace. “It’s true, I’m spoilt rotten, Stevie But none of this stuff matters compared to you, my sweet love.” He leaned in for a long, passionate kiss…

“Oh please, I haven’t even had lunch yet,” groaned Sam. “Are you two lovebirds quite ready?”

“Ready when you are, Mr Wilson,” giggled Steve.

Steve and Bucky had taken the opportunity to schedule a private chat with Sam together after their meeting.

“So, this is a novel experience,” said Sam, cheerily, as they all sat down. “I haven’t done any “couples counselling” for years! Seriously though, thanks for keeping me in the loop on how things have been going. Turns out all that medical advice I was spouting forth at the hospital and the clinic was a waste of time, Bucky. All you really needed was a great big dose of Steve.”

“Yeah, and I can tell you, I’m gonna be getting regular Steve injections from now on,” Bucky smirked.

Steve blushed furiously at the suggestion as Sam roared with laughter.

“You’re happy with that, right?” asked Sam, more for clarification than anything else.

“Deliriously,” said Steve, taking Bucky’s hand in his. “But, we wanted to ask you a question/”

“Well, I kinda guessed you hadn’t asked me here just to make out in front of me,” grinned Sam. “Not as if I mind of course.”

Steve shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Bucky looked up at him, a mixture of concern and encouragement on his face.

“It’s just that…I was so frightened of doing anything intimate with Bucky for so long. I was sure I’d trigger flashbacks of the abuse for him, or for me. I worry about asking you because talking about this…makes it feel more real to me, like it might just come true. But I guess we need to be prepared if something like that should happen…”

“I take it you haven’t had any flashbacks, nightmares or other adverse reactions yet?” asked Sam.

“No.”

“And maybe you’re curious as to why?”

“Exactly.”

Sam pursed his lips. “As you know, the human mind is tricky little thing. All I got is hunches, so don’t hold me to any of this.”

“So, what’s your hunch?”

Sam leaned forward in his chair. “What happened to you both in the past, well, that was one person using another. You got nothing out of it but pain and regret, while the abuser had full control and squeezed their pleasure out of you. That’s why it’s called rape. There’s no consent, not even haphazard misunderstanding, like you had with your childhood friend, Steve. This abuse was done to both of you by people who were fully aware of the implications of what they were doing and deliberately wanted you to feel bad, dirty, disgusting and ashamed.”

Bucky looked down, tears forming in his eyes. Steve squeezed his husband’s hand in reassurance.

“From what you’ve told me, you don’t even call this beautiful thing you’ve just discovered “sex”, do you?”

“No, we call it love-making” said Steve, shyly.

“That’s right, and it’s a very good description. Because what you’re doing is “making” something together. It’s something constructive and it builds you both up. Whereas what your abusers did was destructive and intended to tear you both down.”

“But some of the actions are the same. I’m worried that one of these actions might trigger Bucky to be scared” Steve remarked, fearfully.

“Lots of actions are the same but have different meanings in life, Steve.” Sam advised. “You’re holding Bucky’s hand right now to give him comfort and reassurance, but other people might grab someone’s hand to pull them forcibly in a direction they don’t want to go in. It all depends on the meaning behind your action. You see, when you touch each other, it’s careful and gentle, and you’re mindful of each other’s deepest feelings. That’s the exact opposite of an abuser who only satisfies their own desires, and gives no thought to anyone else.”

“But I’m putting myself,” Steve blushed. “I’m putting myself “into” Bucky. That was always the very worst thing my father did. It hurt me so much, and I’m scared that I’m hurting Bucky.”

“You don’t hurt me. You never hurt me,” Bucky reassured.

“I know, Baby, and I never want to either. That’s why I have to be sure I’m safe, just like I needed to be sure I was safe by talking to Peter before. I don’t want to bottle it up and push you away ever again.”

“Now that’s progress,” smiled Sam. “Let me try to help you understand this from each other’s perspectives.”

 

Steve and Bucky looked over at Sam as he began his explanation:

“Now, Steve. When you were abused, did you have any control over what was happening to you?”

“Only so far as to how hard I fought back.”

“But it didn’t have any effect, whatever you did.”

“No,” Steve agreed firmly.

“Well, now you have that control, Steve. What you do has a tremendous effect. You look to Bucky and you can see if what you’re doing makes him happy or not. You choose the pace of your love-making so that he’s the very happiest he can be. That’s the greatest and noblest sort of control, because it’s all for Bucky.”

Steve sniffled. “But I don’t want to use Bucky.”

“Bucky’s not being used,” insisted Sam. “Because he has control too. You’ve told me a little bit about how you prepare for intimate moments already. Bucky chooses if and when he’s ready; he lets you know what he wants, and you respect that choice to make him happy. You might think you have control over Bucky but he has equal control over you.”

“That’s true, Stevie,” said Bucky. “I came on to you, remember?”

“Yeah,” Steve agreed, colouring up a bit. “You still do, Buck.”

“Only ‘cause I love you so much.”

Steve swallowed hard, struggling to control his feelings.

“In the end, this is all about trust, guys,” said Sam. “You both had your trust betrayed when you were very young. Steve had a crisis when he realised he’d betrayed someone else’s trust and - in dealing with that crisis – he in turn betrayed your trust, Bucky.”

Steve hung his head in shame.

“But you earned that trust back, Stevie,” whispered Bucky. “You brought me back from my nightmare. You didn’t just tell me you loved me, you showed me. I trust you with my body, all of my body.”

“And I trust you with mine, Baby.”

“And that’s the answer to your question,” concluded Sam. “That’s why you’re not having flashbacks, and probably never will. Some of your actions might be mechanically similar to the abuse of the past, but what happened then didn’t come from your heart. Your love-making is entirely in your control, and you trust each other completely with the vulnerabilities of your own bodies. That’s why you build yourselves up with this love-making, and that’s why - God forbid - you should ever trigger a flashback, you’ll quickly recover, because you have the absolute assurance of each other’s love, trust and self-giving.”

“And if we do have a problem?” asked Steve.

“Then I’ll be here,” said Sam “That’s what friends are for, right?” 


	14. Chapter 14

The kids were pretty tired and grumpy that evening. Becca let slip where she was going after dropping them off in the morning, and couldn’t exactly tell them that she wouldn’t  be seeing their Mama and Papa. It probably wasn’t the best way of preparing them for a full day in class. Neither Leo nor Clara had the least ability to concentrate, with Leo in particular singled out by his teachers for repeatedly staring out the window. Suzy, on the other hand, who could always be relied on to be a ball of enthusiasm, went so completely hyper she practically bounced off the walls.

“This is going to be an uphill struggle,” groaned Steve. “What are we going to say?”

“It’s not Stark Corporation’s financial statement,” said Bucky. “We have to play this by ear.”

“That’s what I was afraid you’d say.”

 

Nat and Becca had miraculously managed to wrangle them into their chairs at the dining room table and feed them, before they got through the door. “It was a start,” thought Steve. “Kids can’t concentrate on empty bellies.”

“Mama!” yelled Suzy, the moment she saw him.

“Hey sweetheart,” grinned Bucky, picking his daughter up. She was growing up fast, and starting to get heavy to lift with one arm, although the third helping of plum crumble and custard probably didn’t help either. Suzy was an even bigger fan of the fruit than her mum.

Leo and Clara hung back a little, looking at the pair of them warily. Steve flashed them both a wide cheesy grin which wasn’t exactly reciprocated.

“You had your dinner, I see,” said Bucky. “I can see the plum stones from here.”

“Yes, I was a tinker,” agreed Suzy. They’d obviously been playing the rhyming game with the stones.

“I know you’re a stinker,” teased Bucky.

“Mama,” giggled Suzy peevishly and then cackled as Bucky blew a big raspberry on her belly.

Steve could see Leo and Clara were warming slightly to the sight, probably just glad that their Mama was able to speak again. Bucky had a way with children that Steve could never truly understand, probably because his husband never tried to analyse anything. He just had fun with them, and they in turn had fun with him.

“Well, it’s worth a try,” he thought to himself.

“What were you, Clara.”

“I was a soldier,” Clara answered, without much enthusiasm.

“Hmmm….” Steve hummed sympathetically. “I can understand you not being very happy about that. Not many lesbians in the military.”

Becca gasped.

“On the contrary, Steven Grant Rogers,” Nat admonished “Where would our armed forces be without them?”

“Mama’s good at shooting stuff and she only has one arm” Suzy piped up.

“Well, she’s good at shooting Papa anyway,” quipped Clara.

Bucky chewed at his bottom lip “Did you like my metal arm, when I had it, guys?”

“It felt funny,” giggled Suzy. “But it was easier for you to pick me up.”

“And it was easier for you to help Auntie Becca with the baking,” added Clara.

Leo looked very subdued, then he said, in barely a whisper,“You saved my life with it.”

Steve’s heart flew into his mouth.

Bucky smiled. “I’d have done that for you whether I had the arm or not, honey. We both would. You’re our family and there’s nothing more important to us than you guys”

“You’ve been away a very long time,” said Leo. His tone wasn’t judgemental so much as resigned; as if he’d never really expected anything else.

“You’re right, Leo.” agreed Steve. “I made a very bad mistake, and it kept us both apart from you, but it’s all sorted out now. I promise you, it won’t happen again”

“How can you be so sure?” Leo persisted.

“Because there wasn’t a day when we were apart from you that we didn’t miss you,” said Steve. “Because Mama’s right. Nothing’s more important to us that you guys.”

“And Auntie Becca’s going to be busier from now on,” added Nat. “She’s gonna be working for your Mama.”

“Baking cookies?” cooed Suzy excitedly.

“If that’s what you want, sweetheart,” said Bucky, giving her a squeeze.

“Are you gonna get a new left arm then, to help with the baking?” asked Suzy.

 

Bucky hadn’t liked how the prototype arm had felt, and it brought back some painful memories, but Tony had assured him the improved version they’d developed was more comfortable and provided a lifelike sensation of touch. And if his kids would benefit, then who was he to stand in the way?

He took a deep breath. “If that’s what you want, then yes of course, sweetheart”

“You won’t be able to wear your house-coat anymore,” warned Clara. “We cut the arm off it when we sewed it up, remember?”

“Good,” smirked Steve. “I’m sick of Mama’s ratty old house-coat. It’s time we got rid of it.”

Bucky nodded sagely. “Yes, it’s very much a case of out with the old, and in with the new. And that includes your ratty old car, Papa!”

“Really?” asked Leo, his eyes wide.

“Our boss took pity on him and got him a new one.”

“Is it powerful? Does Captain America drive one?”

“Not unless Captain America’s gone British all of a sudden,” laughed Steve “It’s a Jaguar.”

“Oh wow! Cool car.”

“I didn’t know you were into cars, Leo? When did this happen?”

“When you were away,” shrugged Leo. Steve blushed. “T’Challa and I play a racing game on his Playstation, and there’s a Jaguar in that.”

For the next half hour, Leo described various video games they played in excruciating detail. Steve wasn’t really listening to the particulars, but the relief to hear him speaking of T’Challa as a best friend again, combined with the warm glow of family settling gently around them like a reassuring blanket, was - like the regained love and trust of his husband - yet another precious gift he didn’t think he deserved, but which he safely stored away in that secret place of joy deep in his heart.

-*-

 

Steve remained entirely realistic of course. Family life was a precious gift, but that gift wasn’t always wrapped up in shiny paper. There were plenty of layers of newspaper beneath, and the morning of Stark Tower’s grand reopening was turning out to be very brittle yellowing newspaper indeed. Bucky’s new “safe” Buckanium arm was still bedding in, so he needed extra help in dressing the kids in their Sunday best. Little Suzy was having one of it. She considered her day off nursery a golden opportunity to embark on an impromptu art project involving as much glue and glitter as she could scoop into her little hands, and whilst Steve was a big believer in children’s creative expression, he’d much rather she hadn’t chosen to express herself quite so creatively in her best dress. 

Meanwhile, Leo had locked an incandescent Clara out of the bathroom, determined to restyle his hair into a Buckey-esque centre parting. Sadly for Leo, and for the ton of styling gel he’d smeared in vain all over his scalp, his hair didn’t naturally lend itself to that style, resulting in Mama having to dry his tears, calm his fears and start all over again with the shampoo and conditioner. And then, predictably enough, the fuse blew in the hairdryer.

Clara still wouldn’t wear a dress, or anything remotely resembling one. Luckily, Steve had thought of that and ordered her a trouser suit in a similar style to the one Becca wore at Stark Tower. Clara positively beamed and Bucky thought his sister might get a thrill out of it too.

Just to add a surreal twist to the proceedings, a floral delivery company arrived just as they were leaving with a special delivery: a bridal bouquet for a Mrs Bucky Rogers!

“Wrong kind of ceremony today,” laughed Bucky to the bewildered delivery lady. “And I’m already married, so wedding flowers are a bit on the late side for me now!”

Needless to say, by the time they’d made it to the opening ceremony, they were exhausted.

As Steve expected, Becca and Nat looked absolutely stunning, in matching silk ivory trouser suits. Nat had an experienced eye for haute couture befitting her cosmopolitan Muscovite sophistication.

“Looking good, Sis,” whistled Bucky appreciatively, as they travelled up to the fortieth floor in one of the smart reconditioned lifts.

“I’ll take that as a complement,” Becca replied with a wry smile. “I see you’re learning some style yourself by the look of Clara’s outfit. I’d hardly have expected a philistine like you to know the first thing about fashion.”

“He doesn’t,” murmured Steve. “I ordered it for her.”

“You?” sneered Nat, “I don’t believe it! Why, you’re the only gay man who knows less about fashion than Bucky!”

“And Bucky wears a floral polyester house-coat,” Becca lamented. “I rest my case.”

“Ouch, way to roast your boss before you’ve even seen our new workplace.”

“I’ve heard it’s stunning,” said Nat. “But I guess we’ll soon find out if its worth all the money Tony splashed out on it.”

They were ushered into an elegantly furnished and spacious anteroom, designed to act as a reception for both the library and the research and development department, where champagne, cocktails and various delicate aperitifs were being served on silver trays by waiting staff sporting little black bow-ties. Bucky took a moment to pause and fondly recall his wonderful former boss, the late great Dr Erskine, who knew how to tie a real bow tie, and wore a different colour and pattern (irrespective of whether it actually matched anything else that he was wearing) each and every day.

Sensing this moment of melancholy, Steve looped his arm through his husband’s and planted a peck on Bucky’s cheek.

At least Steve could content himself that their family had dressed properly for the occasion. Absolutely everyone was bedecked in their finery. Even Logan was wearing a tie; or rather the tie was wearing him.

“Nothing fits round this neck, Ma’am,” he confessed to Nat. “But I’ll try very hard not to choke on the canapés.”

“It would probably help if you crammed in less than three of them at a time,” she quipped.

“But where’s the fun in that?” he protested, ejecting a fountain of crumbs.

“Mama and Auntie Becky work in here?” gasped Suzy, as she ran her grubby little fingers through the damask drapes.

“Oh no, sweetie,” said Nat.” They work through there”. She pointed to an enormous open door obscured by opaque gauze and cordoned off by a thick pink satin ribbon.

“But I can’t even see inside of there.”

“That’s because Mr Stark’s going to open it first,” said Steve.

As if on cue, the man of the hour appeared alongside his colleague Mr Wayne, both looking positively resplendent in suits so immaculately sharp, you could feel the paper cuts stinging your very eyes.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced. “If I may have your attention please?”

The genial murmur of the crowd politely dissipated.

“Public appearances I enjoy, rather too much some would say,” He paused for restrained laughter. “But public speaking isn’t something that comes naturally to me, so I’ll keep this speech short and to the point.”

“Ten months ago to this day, Stark Tower was the subject of a brutal act of terrorism, and the pride of our building, the penthouse library, was destroyed. This heinous act also claimed the life of our beloved veteran librarian, Dr Abraham Erskine. His assistant, Mr James Rogers was also very badly injured, but he used his research skills twinned with his former mentor’s theories to create a new wonder material which will doubtless enrich the lives of many people with physical impairments. His grateful staff named the material after him, but this library has been named after his mentor. And so, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to declare the Abraham Erskine Memorial library open.”

With a deft snip from the scissors Mr Wayne handed him, the pink ribbon fluttered to the floor and the gauze parted to reveal what seemed to Steve to be a strong contender for the eighth wonder of the world.

 

Beyond the obvious richness of the burr walnut, rich silks and seasoned faux-leather that constituted the components of the library furnishings, elegant white Palladian columns now supported a double height floor, with full length windows exhibiting the most breath-taking views in all of London. Study carrels had been placed within intimate mezzanine balcony spaces above the shelving, facing the windows to mirror the sumptuous boxes of the very finest Regency theatres. In the centre of the floor space, an ornamental marble fountain gushed merrily beside an incredibly lifelike bow-tie clad bust of the late Dr Erskine himself, looking suitably impressed as his granite eyes gazed out onto the very London skyline that he had wisely predicted would be the last thing his living eyes would ever see.

Bucky shook his head in disbelief at it all, as the children gasped in wonder.

“Mama, can I come and work here too?” pleaded Clara.

“You’ll have to fight your Aunt Becca first,” smirked Bucky.

“Still, at least you know the library is a pleasant work environment for lesbians,” teased Steve. “Perhaps you should mention that to a suitably senior official from Human Resources, Nat.”

“I swear to God, Rogers, I’m gonna…”

“Peter?”

Peter Parker walked up to Steve in the crowd and shook his hand heartily “It’s good to see you again, Steve. Sam invited us over for the ceremony. This is my wife, Mary Jane.

“It’s lovely to finally meet you, Steve.” she said.

“The honour is all mine. Did everything go to plan?”

“Oh yes, our son Joshua was born three weeks ago: five pounds, nine ounces. He’s just perfect.”

“We’re thrilled,” grinned Peter, kissing his wife.

Steve motioned Bucky and the kids over.

“I’d really like you to meet my family. This is my son Leo, my daughters Clara and little Suzie…”

“Are you an angel?” Suzie asked Mary Jane,

“No sweetheart. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that you’re glowing like one.”

Mary Jane and Peter blushed at that,

“And this is my husband, Bucky. He’s our librarian,” Steve, added proudly.

“So this is the guy who stole Steve’s heart eh?” laughed Peter.

“I’m a lucky guy,” said Bucky. “Steve’s helped me to raise the family I’ve always dreamed of.”

“I think we’ve probably got a lot in common, Bucky,” smiled Mary Jane. “You must come over for tea very soon.”

“Once I’ve mastered how to use this arm properly, I should be able to bring cake,” Bucky promised. “Though I’m not sure how I’d cope with nappies”

“The arm’s wipe-clean, Buck,” sniggered Steve

Bucky shot him a look filthier than the inside of any nappy.

“I was wondering,” she said. “May I ask you a personal question, Bucky?”

Steve’s blood turned to ice.

“Why, sure of course. Ask away.”

“It’s just well…my cousin lost her left leg in car accident over ten years ago. She uses a wheelchair because the amputation’s too high for a conventional prosthetic, so this new material you’ve perfected would be terrific for her needs, but when I told her I was coming today, she said she was really happy you were using it to create artificial limbs for people, but that she’d never want one for herself and I’m struggling to understand why she’d say that?”

Bucky nodded. “Well, I can’t speak for your cousin of course, Mary Jane, but there are plenty of people with physical, sensorial and mental impairments who are happy just being who they are. They don’t want people to “improve” of “cure” them just because society demands we all have the same way of thinking and sensing and moving. My physiotherapist has very similar views.”

“But you don’t?”

Bucky thought for a moment “I think it’s more complicated than having one view or the other. Personally I agree that changing yourself just to fit in with everyone else is very wrong, but I also appreciate that if you want to take part in life at its fullest, you have to make a few compromises with how you might feel deep down. My family is better off if I can do more for them and I’m better off letting go of grudges. I’m happy to swallow a few petty reservations and get on with living for the sake of my loved ones.”

Peter nodded, his watery eyes betraying his feelings. “I couldn’t have put it better myself, Bucky”

Steve sighed in contentment. Bucky always knew just what to say, and when to say it. To think he nearly let that slip through his fingers made his stomach lurch. But how could he prove his faithfulness to Bucky, after all the pain he’d caused to his children and the love of his life?

“Excuse me, guys,” said Nat. “Mind if I cut in? Steve, have you looked in at your new office yet?”

“What, that corner office Tony promised me which was going to be almost as good as yours? I hardly think that’s a priority today, Nat, do you?”

“Agreed,” she shrugged. “It’s just that it’s on this floor so you could pop your heard round the door if you were curious.”

Steve beamed. “That means I’m on the same floor, Buck.”

“If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, Steve,” Becca warned. “Then you can cut it out. I’m sure they haven’t installed any double beds in the new library.”

“How shocking,” gasped Bucky in mock scandal. “As if I’d ever embarrass my baby sister like that?”

“James Buchanan Rogers, you’ve done practically nothing else but embarrass me since the day I was born,” she lamented.

“Well I guess I could take a peek,” said Steve, once he’d finished laughing. “If nothing else I’ll need to measure the floor space for that double bed!”

Nat deftly negotiated the crowded library with Steve and Bucky in tow, struggling to keep up with her. Back in the atrium where they’d started, she turned to the right where the new research and development offices were situated. “Your team isn’t strictly part of their department,” explained Nat. “But I’m sure you’ll be working together a great deal so it made sense to locate you up here with them.”

“And the fact that I’m closer to Steve had no bearing on the decision making whatsoever?” asked Bucky.

“None at all,” said Nat, her face the very picture of innocence. “Although having someone to tear my wife and her brother apart if they start arguing over who’s shelving the books is naturally beneficial from a Human Resources perspective.”

Bucky smiled wryly, as Nat slowed at the end of the corridor. “Here we go,” she said, airily, pushing open the door.

Tony was right. The office wasn’t quite as good as Nat’s. It was infinitely better. Steve gasped at sheer spaciousness of the place: enough to comfortably accommodate the backs of the fifty or so guests, sitting on two ranks of white painted wooden chairs bedecked with ivory and salmon pink ribbons. Everyone turned round to look at them as the wide-eyed pair stumbled in, propelled forward somewhat by Nat’s playful shove. Sam, Becca, Clint, Logan, Mr and Mrs Giles, and some freshly deodorised nerds from Bucky’s former staff team, to name but a dozen all broke into thunderous applause. Bucky could see their kids standing at the front, and Steve released his husband’s hand to let him rush over to the family.

Steve turned to Nat. “What’s all this about?”

“You said before that you wanted to find a way of proving your love to Bucky and your family? That sounded like a challenge to me, Rogers. And you know I never shy away from a challenge!”

“But I don’t understand,” Steve protested. “We’re already married.”

“Doesn’t stop you renewing you vows in front of witnesses,” quipped Nat. “Besides, the next time you start feeling sorry for yourself and wanting to throw your blessings out of the fortieth floor window, you’ll remember this day and sober up!”

It was at that point that Steve noticed Peter and Mary Jane had slipped in behind them and taken the seats assigned to them, big grins on their faces. “You’re one hell of an organiser, Nat,” Steve beamed appreciatively. “It looks like you’ve thought of just about everything.”

“Almost,” Said Nat. “Keeping your kids quiet was the hardest part, and they almost gave the game away when they confused the poor florist on the phone and ordered that bridal posy. Luckily, I’d made a back-up plan.”

“Steve looked up to see Leo handing Bucky a little bunch of flowers. “Your kids are old-fashioned like that,” giggled Nat. “They weren’t there for the first wedding and they want to see their Mama properly hitched.”

Bucky looked up at them both with tears of joy in his eyes. Steve’s jaw slackened and his heart melted.

“Well, don’t just stand there gawping at him, Rogers,” huffed Nat. “Get over there before my brother-in-law changes his damn mind.”

The intimate ceremony had all the charm that their original registry office wedding had lacked. Stood before Bucky and the kids, Steve was finally able to publically declare in front of everyone important in his life, how much he loved, honoured and respected his whole family. He’d unpeeled another layer of newspaper from the gift of family life, but this time he’d revealed the most beautiful blush-pink wrapping paper, the colour of Bucky’s bashful cheeks.

At the end, although their family vicar, the Rev. Geraldine wasn’t able to officially conduct a religious ceremony, she’d happily agreed to Leo’s request for her to say the traditional family blessing over them all:

“God the Father,

God the Son,

God the Holy Spirit,

bless, preserve and keep you;

the Lord mercifully grant you the riches of his grace,

that you may please him both in body and soul,

and, living together in faith and love,

may receive the blessings of eternal life”

 

-*-

 

Later that evening, cuddled up next to Steve on their “second honeymoon” night, Bucky looked down admiringly at the golden wedding ring Nat had resized so it would fit over the fourth finger of his new silvery hand.

“She really did think of everything didn’t she?” sighed Bucky.

“You could always have said no,” admitted Steve. “I was sweating quite a bit when the officiant asked you. After all that I’d done, I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d have had second thoughts about making those vows to take me back in front of all those witnesses.”

Bucky looked up from his ring and gazed intently into Steve’s eyes. “On the contrary, Stevie. You’ve made your vows to me again and again in the hospital, and at the clinic, and in our home. You vowed with every fibre of your being to be here for me and our family and to never leave us again. And I trust you to keep that promise. I trust you with my whole heart.”

“That means a lot coming from you, Baby. Because I know your heart is so big.”

Bucky blushed the deepest of deep pinks.

“You know what will make you blush even more?”

“I could think of a couple of things,” squirmed Bucky.

“Which we can explore pretty soon if you’d like?” teased Steve. “But first let’s talk shop.”

Bucky groaned, “Do we have to?”

“Well we do if you want me to make a success out of your new wonder-metal. You see, to market the practical application of Buckanium prosthetics, I’m going to need a someone stunningly handsome to model the limb for me.”

“You just want to see me with my shirt off, you insatiable fiend!”

“Your shirt off but your wedding ring on,” Steve emphasised. “You’re damned sexy, Bucky Rogers, but I want the world to know that you’re mine, all mine.”

“Ooooh, I love it when you get all possessive, Stevie,” Bucky giggled shyly.

“C’mere them, you adorable librarian,” growled Steve.

“Mama?”

Bucky looked past Steve to see a very tired looking Clara clutching Suzie’s teddy bear, which appeared to be soggy and dripping with something unspeakable

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“Suzie’s being sick.”

“Too much wedding cake,” Bucky muttered. “I warned you not to let her have that third slice.”

“What can I say?” shrugged Steve “The girl loves cake.”

“And with my new arm, I can bake her as many cakes as she likes.”

“You don’t burn ‘em either,” joked Steve.

“Remind me again why we didn’t have a proper honeymoon?” whispered Bucky as they hurried towards the girls’ bedroom.

“Because we’ve already taken way too much holiday leave already this year,” said Steve.

“Ah yes, our beloved workplace. It always seems to get the final word,” mused Bucky philosophically.

And so it had proved.

Stark Tower, the building that united the lives of Steve, Bucky and all their loved ones was - like their own family life - a construction that had endured much conflict and stress, but which always came back stronger and more awe-inspiring each and every time. Like the lighthouse at their shore cottage, it was a beacon that had finally guided them all safe home.

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, folks. I can't believe I started posting this trilogy nearly a year ago, and it's finally over. For those who have read it all, I'm so thrilled that you had the tenacity to stick with it, and I hope you've enjoyed the ride. I can promise you more Stucky adventures in the future!

**Author's Note:**

> "The Archers" is a long-running British radio soap based in a fictional farming community


End file.
